Today I went to see a doctor. Had very bad gastric pain and headache. haha but I got my MC today. Well got another day rest today so feeling much better le. Today I worry for my girl. I'm happy with my life now and I trust her alot. For someone to come tell me it's a lie, I wont believe it. Somethings only I will know better. Feelings cannot be fake neither can it be a lie. Thats's how life is. We dont go ahead and do things that will hurt ourselves. It's not logical to do so and there is no need to make ourselves suffer. Given this reason, I have full trust that her love is never a lie and this is why I never give up. To love someone is never easy and to trust them is harder. I have come to a point where I trust her and I will continue to trust her.

Today is the 3rd day le. Things are so much happier now. Baby's exam is round the corner le. Her schedule seems very tight. Hopefully everything is fine for her. Hope she wont feel too stress and the paper will not be too tough for her. All the best baby. Do your best and I believe u will achieve yur target. Jia you.

240409. A start of a brand new life. I've learn somethings recently thanks to all the events that happened lately. I've learned to give more trust and to stand in her shoes to think. I admit I was too rash but all these will change. Now it's a brand new start and a brand new life. I will do my best to give the best to her and try not to make her cry anymore. Life will once again be colourful and we will be happy to have each other. Thanks to girl, it's now a dream came true. And this dream will go on for as long as we want it. As long as we have each other in our heart, this dream will not be shattered. Falling sick soon but I believe this time I will recover faster than usual. I'm really very happy and I believe she is too. Lastly, I love her. ^_^

Today, I received 2 sms from her. After that my phone never rang anymore. Till now I am still holding my phone next to me. Hoping it will ring with her sms or call. I admit I was jealous last nite. I didnt go home last nite. I drank a little last nite. I wanted to be alone last nite and drink.
I dun wanna feel this hurt. Drinking doesnt solve the problem but at least it can make me numb. But then again, I know she dont like me to drink so I only drank a little. Furthermore, I was really tired last nite. I fell asleep not too long after drinking. I drank on an empty stomach and i got tipsy afterwards. In my sleep, I even dreamt of her last nite. I cried in my dreams. To be frank, last nite I really felt like crying and i didnt want her to see me cry. Thus I walked infront of her all the time. It's the first time I felt so hurt but then I dun hate her at all. I just feel that yesterday was not a good day. Firstly, i got F by my sir. Next, training I couldnt concentrate at all. Thirdly, I was really tired but still I rushed down to meet her. After meeting her, I see Alex being close to her. I tried not to be bother about it. I really did but at time past, I just couldnt take it anymore. Perhaps I really lost the confidence in myself. I really cant see if I am still possible to give her what she want. I took this time to cool down and I realise, even though I know her for a short time, I love her for who she is. I never once complaint that I am bothered by her past. All these while, she keep telling me she is not a good person, but I am not really bothered. I really am not bothered by it. I kept telling her this but she dun seems to believe me. Somehow we are now on cold war. I dunno when this will end but still I cant stop myself from thinking about her. If i dont really love her, I wouldnt think about her. If I didnt love her, I wont feel so hurt looking at her being close to another guy. If i didnt love her, I would not have made myself sad. All these are just some things which indicate that I love her. But I know she still cant accept another person. I'm just waiting for her O level to finish. I'm just waiting to know if she really cares about me. I often ask myself is she knows how I am feeling. But it seems like a question I will never know until she tell or show me. I know sometimes I am irritating. I know I am insensitive. But am I the only one? I can endure all this pain but when she ignore me, I feel like my life is meaningless. Maybe it might be ridiculous to some but it's complicated when it comes to heart matter. There is no right or wrong with loving someone. It's just depends on how a person heart feel. My heart tells me she is the one I love and my heart wants to be with her. Last nite Joseph mentioned that I've not been happy lately. I was happier in the past. How true was it, I think only my friends around me will know. There are somethings which I know I cannot control at all. But I really wish I could make a difference. Some say I love the wrong person but then again, how much do they know her and how much do they know about how I feel towards her? That's love I guess. Love is blind and it doesnt matter if the person is good or not. Love will cover all the flaws of the person and only making the one who love to see the good side of her. Sometimes it's not that I want to be childish. I too wan to give her a sense of security.
Maybe I did it the wrong way. Can I still make things better? Can I show her the mature side of me? Can she give me a chance to prove it? Can I make her love me? All these question will have an answer when the time is right ba. Maybe one day my dream of being able to be with her will also be met. If I am really being able to be with her, I will definitely not let her down. I will love her and only her. It's a serious relationship I am looking for. I dont want to give up such opportunity if it comes knocking. Just hope everything will get better. Just hope she will be able to understand how I feel too.

I know i've hurt her today. I know i am in the wrong. I dunno why i did this too.
All i know was tat i felt very hurt. it's like i rush down after training today. I'm really tired from the training. i tried to surprise her. in the end, i felt outcast. i felt that i was invisible. maybe i have done things that made her afraid of me. maybe i have made her start to hate me now but sometimes i dunno why but i too feel insecure too. I'm a guy and i do have feelings too. After wat happened 3 yrs ago. I lost all my confidence. that's y i am so afraid to lose her.
Some times i even wonder if i am worthy of her. She is a good girl despite her past. I really dun mind her past. Who doesn't have a past? Everyone does and past is there for a reason. it's not like everyone cannot accept the other party past. no one is perfect. thus having a past is the best prove. a prove to show tat no one is perfect. i'm not perfect at all. i have many flaws. now, i'm supecting tat i might be suffering from depression. All i know is i feel so hurt just now. Maybe to her, she dun see tat while she is playing with him, i'm always looking alway cause it hurts. I was hurt but i'm not allow to show it. Cause when i do, i made her angry. Yes, to alex, i'm doing things that make her afraid of me. Maybe it's true. But i also did my best too. Loving someone is never easy but it doesnt mean i will not be able to give her my love. I'm just afraid i might not be able to give her the love she is looking for. today i notice that i still avoid ppl that likes her. I just keep thinking i can never compare with those guys. they are good looking while i am nothing. i dunno how to let her know this. i really dunno. i feel inferior when there is another guy with her. cause of this inferior feeling, i often avoid them. It's my fault to hurt her. Sorry silly girl. i really hope u will understand why i feel so hurt today too. Everyone have different view on things. The things i saw, just remind me too much of things that happened 3yrs ago. i really cant help it but feel sad. that's y i kept quiet just now. I admit i cannot afford to lose her. but if there is no choice, i will still abide her decision.

Finally i'm counting down to midnite. It's her birthday. Wee! Know her for a month plus le and i'm glad i got to know her. Alot of things happen and i can say, it's not a bad thing either. From friends, i end up liking her and now i love her. Though I dunno if i can be her bf, i'm still happy like this. Dunno if thing will proceed to what i have hope for so i guess all i can do now is to let it flow. Love is always full of surprise. I do hope this surprise will be to my favour. For now, it's best tat she will be able to achieve wat she wants. Afterall the most important thing is for her to be happy. The rest, i'll just continue to make her happy.

Hmm guess in the end... i must admit i have been emo lately... but things are fine now...
everything is back to normal... and i have a goal in life... tat is to make her happy everyday...
simple as it may seems... tough to perform... but i believe i can do it... i will make her smile...
and give her the support she will ever need... this is my goal... and i will achieve it...
for the sake of seeing her smile... i will do it irregardless of wat happened to me...
life is short and i dun wan to regret not living my life to the fullest...

Hmm... i guess we all have something to be honest about...
it's true today is the first day i didnt really contact her...
come to think of it... i felt very terrible... i miss her badly but yet...
there is nothing i can do... in my mind... i keep thinking...
am i going to lose her... and i'm going berserk...
i know i am in love with her... but yet i have to keep a distance from her...
reason... for not making her feel stress with my love...
sometimes i just dunno wat to do... how to make her open up...
i know somethings are hard to forget or let go... but i never ask her to let everything go...
it's okay to love yur ex... it's really alright... i too, love my ex... but i know... things changed...
and no matter how hard i try... it will still be like this... tat's y i dun wanna see her do the same...
it's tough to let go... but it doesn't mean we cannot let go... let's just say he/she have found their happiness... and it's time to find ours... i know i can never replace him... but i'm also different from him... tat is a fact tat can never change... now i'm just trying to help her with her studies...
as for the heart matters... i let her decide on herself... it's time she learn to choose to decide...
and find her happiness to whoever she feels that it is the one... for me... i'll never leave her...
i'll stay by her side... through tough time and through the sadness... for this is my promise to her...

Hmm... finally i cried... even though it may be something i assume it to be...
i just feel tat the distance between us seems so far... so big...
no doubt she keep saying she is not the one i am looking for... but i dun seems to see it tat way...
she wants to protect herself... but so am i... yes... we've been hurt once or maybe more...
but being hurt doesn't mean it's the end... i lost my confidence ever since 4 yrs ago...
from den on... i never have hopes for another relationship... and she is the first...
the first to make me feel that there is still hope... yes... i may pin a lot on hope...
but is it wrong to do so??? i saw this saying today at the gym and it got me thinking...
"To succeed... You need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you. Something to inspire you." I would say... i found that something to make me hold on to...
something that will motivate me... and something that will inspire me...
though i claim i have found tat something... i'm trying very hard to keep it going...
somehow i have this feeling i might lose her soon... but yet i dun wan to believe it...
i dun wan things to end this way... this soon... i'm really sad but yet i cannot show it...
i may not be strong... but i may not be weak either... i endured so much...
just so i can be where i am now but ending like tat... i really cant seems to think of a way...
a way tat can help all of us think over it carefully... it's not easy...
nothing is easy in the first place... all relationship is bound to have up and down...
and to cope with it is never easy... it's been 4 yrs... and i finally can stand up and face my fear...
if i am to fall down like tat... i dun think i will ever be able to stand up...
if it's time she need... i can wait... if she never like me at all... at least let me know too...
at least i noe i can let go when she want me to... at the very least she can be true to herself...
i am truthful to myself and that is why i am willing to do things for her...
even if it means losing everything would make her happier... i would do it for her den...
hurting myself or getting hurt over relationship... i think i should be able to handle it le...
afterall i'm no longer getting any younger... if she wants to wait for a miracle to be with her ex...
i too can wait for tat miracle to happen... wat's most important is she is happy and never regret...
i guess this is why till now... i never really step out of my own world... i'm just like a turtle...
a shell is there to protect me when times of trouble and hurt... i can hide myself in times like this.
but i cant help but to miss her... i think abt her all the time... i'll think if she is doing alright...
i'll think if she can cope with her studies... and even if she have a proper meal...
simple things like tat i will also think over and trust that she can take care of herself...
yes... i trust her alot... even if she lies to me... i still believe the lies... cause i trust her...
tat's y i am not bothered by her lies... cause i care... so i let her decide wat she wanna do...
i pamper her like how i would pamper my gf... constantly giving her the best i could...
even if she dun see it... i think she felt it... she once said... if we are together... i scared one day you will tell me "let's break"... i dunno why she think like tat but i dun think that day will really come... cause i noe i am not one tat say "let's break" tat easily... i am one tat will keep trying harder to make things work better... i'm me... and tat's something i cannot deny... i'm working hard to make things work... for her and for me... i'm constantly pushing myself to the limit so i can provide a better life for her too... i'm at a point where physically it's at the limit... just strained my arm earlier on... and i'm still pushing myself... though i am tired... but the thought of giving up never once did occur to me... it's cause i really love her alot... more den just something she can imagine... tat's y i never thought of giving up... tat's y i keep trying... but i think now... i have to step back a little and just maintain as friends??? hmm maybe tat's wat i can do now... i'm not sure either... but one thing for sure... loving her is something i never imagine i could do... something i will treasure it alot even if it does not bear any fruit... cause loving someone have no reason... and not being able to forget someone is not her fault too... cause we all have someone we cannot forget... for now... i'll just have to observe again... and see if there is anything i can do... but i still prefer tat one day... she will just tell me wat she is thinking so that i can dun need to guess anymore... if making things clear can help solve all problems... den making it clear will be the best way for all of us... that is something i think it might help...

Will the day come??? Hmm this is a question i often wonder...
ever since 4 yrs ago... i tot i wont be able to love another person as much as i love myself...
i may like a person but this is different... i'm willing to do anything...
anything at all just as long as she asked me to... i will do it...
yes... this is just part of how much i love her... we are friends now...
couple or not... i am leaving it up to fate... cause i know something must let it happen naturally...
if not... there will not be happiness... guess i may not be a great guy...
but i will still try my best to be the best for her... to be the one she can depend on...
that's life... nothing is certain... but one thing i noe for sure...
those who hurt others will be hurt again... i've been hurt once...
so does she... we've all been hurt... tat's y we never dare step into another relationship...
at least that is for me... hurt is often there to remind me... but i need to step out of it....
if i never step out... i'll never find the happiness i am looking for...
this is something i will work on it... and i hope one day she too will find the courage to love again...

Had a great time yesterday... been so long since i last had movie with a girl...
yea... we went for a movie... though it was a sudden decision...
hmm yesterday i managed to get her go town with me... haha...
well... got her a crumpler bag for her birthday... haha it's red... wee...
after that... we windowed shopping around wheelock...
haha and next was movie... we watched "Too fast too furious 4"...
it's a nice movie... after tat... we went to far east...
haha we had ice shave there... and it's really very nice...
and finally we had subway for dinner... haha something she wanted to eat for the week...
but with great times... the time flies... and soon it was time to go back...
though it was fun... something weird happened just below her block... haha...
but yet... it was really something i will remember... and i noe i will have more chances to come...

To u and only u silly girl...
I dunno if I should say this but i think i shall say it...
it's been a mth since we know each other...
throughout this 1 mth... i really enjoyed myself when i am with u...
u let me realized how good it is to be alive...
no doubt i've done things to make u angry... make u sad...
u brought me back the feelings i've lost... the joy... the pain and the sadness...
it's you tat make me realize i can love someone again...
and it's u tat make me realized that loving someone is not abt owning her...
i know u are not those tat will be touched by words i write... still...
i feel that this is something i cannot hide...
i find myself loving u more each day... and maybe u never noticed it but...
my mood is directly affected by yurs... when u are sad... i too will be sad...
i try to make u smile and if i cant... i will think of ways to do so...
it's true i like u... and that u also know... that's y i never said i love u at all...
not because i dun love u... but it's cause i am afraid i'll lose u...
i am a very stupid person when it come to love... i'll never want to take risk at all...
loving u is something i cherish alot... and to be able to be with u like this now...
i'm really holding it tight... i try not to do things tat will cross the line u define as friends...
by doing so... i know i can still have many more days to come to be with u...
it's true u wan to focus on yur studies now... and here i am... respecting yur decision...
supporting them as time goes by... this is my love to u... a love tat comprise of respect...
tolerance and giving in... a love tat only wishes to see u happy...
sometimes i also do wonder if i do mean anything to u...
but it's still not important as seeing u smile... i'll hold on to our relationship dearly...
this is something i will promise u... but if u do have something to tell me...
dun be afraid to let me know... i can be the friend that will be there to listen to u...
i can also be a guy who will be there to help u through yur tough time...
cause i'll never let u go... it's a promise i made and i will keep to it...
silly girl... the only worry i have is when u leave me... if tat day come...
i really dunno wat i will do... but i will not hate u tat is for sure...
i hate to hate ppl... that's y i dun hate ppl at all... if the day is to come...
i'll respect yur decision... and i hope we will still be friends...

today... i had the worst time of my life and the best time of my life...
worst time of my life was that i realized tat if one day... i am to lose her...
i'll be like today... not having any mood to do things... and will keep thinking of her...
yes... it happened today... the feeling sux... but yet there is nth i can do...
i fell asleep last nite while chatting with her... and kinda got ignored...
but i cant blame her... i was in the wrong and i was selfish...
selfish cause i keep telling her to let me know when she is tired... but yet...
i didnt tell her when i was tired... and this was very unfair to her...
i learned my lesson today and i will always be honest with her...

den the happy moment... i tot she will ignore me the whole day...
yet in the end... we met up and things got better... within the last the short 2 hr...
i was with her... and helped her with her maths... did some qns and explained to her...
hopefully she can understand my workings... den i went home afterwards...
cause i forgot my key... i can only go home later den expected... i was still happy though...
she no longer ignore me and we talked on the phone... though she still have gastric pain...
but i hope she will get well soon... seeing her like this really pain me...
though i am not her bf... i still worry... and i still care... cause i really like her alot...
till now... the 3 words have never left my mouth... y??? cause i fear...
if one day i tell her the 3 words... she will not like it... it's not like i dun wanna tell her tat...
but i dun think i have the permission to do so... neither do i have the rights to tell her this...
she still have a choice and i dun really wanna make matter worst... but deep down...
i really do wanna tell her tat... i guess i can only wait for the rite time and the rite place ba...

Another day pass...
time flies.... and i realise....
haha my math have not deprove...
haha i can still do the qns...
and i can do it with much ease...
except for percentage topic...
i think i can handle most of the rest...
haha... hope more of today will come...
and time will slow down...

Btw... this is something she did to me...
while i am helping with her math qns...
silly but it's kinda nice...
glad i manage to get her to send me...
otherwise i cant post it here le...
thnx silly girl... hahaha...

Today... i realise how much more i have love her...
Managed to spend some time with her and i am already very contended le...
though it may be a short 2 hrs... but at least i get to see her...
we laughed and had fun today... looking at her study... sometimes making her laugh...
i guess it's all worthwhile... this also made me realise... we ought to cherish every moment...
Fact is... i may not have another moment like this to cherish... so before it's gone...
i must always cherish the time i have with her... fact is... i too may not be her bf...
should the time come... at least i have something to think back... and not regret...
cause i have already cherish the moment we spent together... before losing it...
there is this saying... u only know how important someone is to u when u lose her...
for me... even if we are not a couple... i'm happy like this le... we are still friends...
and there are things i know i can never over step...
but i still hope at the end it's me that she choose...
cause the choice is not meant to be mine to decide... it's hers...
till the day come... i'll keep doing my part and give her the best i could...
cause i really do love her...

Hmm... so many things happen just not too long ago...
i'm not sure if things went well or just made matter worst...
but i'm sure tat i have nth to hide anymore...
i've explained myself clearly and i've made my intention known...
be it for the better or worst...
i'll just monitor the situation for now...
hope no friendship is broken... and no one is hurt...
we all dun wish to lose one another but... if the time come...
i hope things will be back to friends...
sometimes even if u cannot be a couple... it's still good to be friends...
u will never know wat will happen next...
as long as u have faith in yurself... i believe one day u will reap wat u sow...
no one know how long the wait will be... but at least u tried...
so it's also alright to be patience... and wait for the day to come...
afterall nth is certain in this world...
tonite i felt her pressure... i understand how he feel...
and i hope this will not happen anymore...
let's all just fight it over fairly... though i must admit... it wasn't fair for me at the start...
but i did endure through... and i'm holding this relationship strongly as a friend...
and as a person wooing her... there is no rite or wrong...
but there is still a question of how much to give...
too much will make matter worst while too little will not help...
so always aim for just nice... and things should work out find...
i did have the urge to hug her... to give her security... but in the end...
i didn't cause i didn't wanna cross the line... and spoil the current bonding...
just hope tat one day everyone will understand and learn from one another...