Today, I received 2 sms from her. After that my phone never rang anymore. Till now I am still holding my phone next to me. Hoping it will ring with her sms or call. I admit I was jealous last nite. I didnt go home last nite. I drank a little last nite. I wanted to be alone last nite and drink.
I dun wanna feel this hurt. Drinking doesnt solve the problem but at least it can make me numb. But then again, I know she dont like me to drink so I only drank a little. Furthermore, I was really tired last nite. I fell asleep not too long after drinking. I drank on an empty stomach and i got tipsy afterwards. In my sleep, I even dreamt of her last nite. I cried in my dreams. To be frank, last nite I really felt like crying and i didnt want her to see me cry. Thus I walked infront of her all the time. It's the first time I felt so hurt but then I dun hate her at all. I just feel that yesterday was not a good day. Firstly, i got F by my sir. Next, training I couldnt concentrate at all. Thirdly, I was really tired but still I rushed down to meet her. After meeting her, I see Alex being close to her. I tried not to be bother about it. I really did but at time past, I just couldnt take it anymore. Perhaps I really lost the confidence in myself. I really cant see if I am still possible to give her what she want. I took this time to cool down and I realise, even though I know her for a short time, I love her for who she is. I never once complaint that I am bothered by her past. All these while, she keep telling me she is not a good person, but I am not really bothered. I really am not bothered by it. I kept telling her this but she dun seems to believe me. Somehow we are now on cold war. I dunno when this will end but still I cant stop myself from thinking about her. If i dont really love her, I wouldnt think about her. If I didnt love her, I wont feel so hurt looking at her being close to another guy. If i didnt love her, I would not have made myself sad. All these are just some things which indicate that I love her. But I know she still cant accept another person. I'm just waiting for her O level to finish. I'm just waiting to know if she really cares about me. I often ask myself is she knows how I am feeling. But it seems like a question I will never know until she tell or show me. I know sometimes I am irritating. I know I am insensitive. But am I the only one? I can endure all this pain but when she ignore me, I feel like my life is meaningless. Maybe it might be ridiculous to some but it's complicated when it comes to heart matter. There is no right or wrong with loving someone. It's just depends on how a person heart feel. My heart tells me she is the one I love and my heart wants to be with her. Last nite Joseph mentioned that I've not been happy lately. I was happier in the past. How true was it, I think only my friends around me will know. There are somethings which I know I cannot control at all. But I really wish I could make a difference. Some say I love the wrong person but then again, how much do they know her and how much do they know about how I feel towards her? That's love I guess. Love is blind and it doesnt matter if the person is good or not. Love will cover all the flaws of the person and only making the one who love to see the good side of her. Sometimes it's not that I want to be childish. I too wan to give her a sense of security.
Maybe I did it the wrong way. Can I still make things better? Can I show her the mature side of me? Can she give me a chance to prove it? Can I make her love me? All these question will have an answer when the time is right ba. Maybe one day my dream of being able to be with her will also be met. If I am really being able to be with her, I will definitely not let her down. I will love her and only her. It's a serious relationship I am looking for. I dont want to give up such opportunity if it comes knocking. Just hope everything will get better. Just hope she will be able to understand how I feel too.