Hmm... finally i cried... even though it may be something i assume it to be...
i just feel tat the distance between us seems so far... so big...
no doubt she keep saying she is not the one i am looking for... but i dun seems to see it tat way...
she wants to protect herself... but so am i... yes... we've been hurt once or maybe more...
but being hurt doesn't mean it's the end... i lost my confidence ever since 4 yrs ago...
from den on... i never have hopes for another relationship... and she is the first...
the first to make me feel that there is still hope... yes... i may pin a lot on hope...
but is it wrong to do so??? i saw this saying today at the gym and it got me thinking...
"To succeed... You need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you. Something to inspire you." I would say... i found that something to make me hold on to...
something that will motivate me... and something that will inspire me...
though i claim i have found tat something... i'm trying very hard to keep it going...
somehow i have this feeling i might lose her soon... but yet i dun wan to believe it...
i dun wan things to end this way... this soon... i'm really sad but yet i cannot show it...
i may not be strong... but i may not be weak either... i endured so much...
just so i can be where i am now but ending like tat... i really cant seems to think of a way...
a way tat can help all of us think over it carefully... it's not easy...
nothing is easy in the first place... all relationship is bound to have up and down...
and to cope with it is never easy... it's been 4 yrs... and i finally can stand up and face my fear...
if i am to fall down like tat... i dun think i will ever be able to stand up...
if it's time she need... i can wait... if she never like me at all... at least let me know too...
at least i noe i can let go when she want me to... at the very least she can be true to herself...
i am truthful to myself and that is why i am willing to do things for her...
even if it means losing everything would make her happier... i would do it for her den...
hurting myself or getting hurt over relationship... i think i should be able to handle it le...
afterall i'm no longer getting any younger... if she wants to wait for a miracle to be with her ex...
i too can wait for tat miracle to happen... wat's most important is she is happy and never regret...
i guess this is why till now... i never really step out of my own world... i'm just like a turtle...
a shell is there to protect me when times of trouble and hurt... i can hide myself in times like this.
but i cant help but to miss her... i think abt her all the time... i'll think if she is doing alright...
i'll think if she can cope with her studies... and even if she have a proper meal...
simple things like tat i will also think over and trust that she can take care of herself...
yes... i trust her alot... even if she lies to me... i still believe the lies... cause i trust her...
tat's y i am not bothered by her lies... cause i care... so i let her decide wat she wanna do...
i pamper her like how i would pamper my gf... constantly giving her the best i could...
even if she dun see it... i think she felt it... she once said... if we are together... i scared one day you will tell me "let's break"... i dunno why she think like tat but i dun think that day will really come... cause i noe i am not one tat say "let's break" tat easily... i am one tat will keep trying harder to make things work better... i'm me... and tat's something i cannot deny... i'm working hard to make things work... for her and for me... i'm constantly pushing myself to the limit so i can provide a better life for her too... i'm at a point where physically it's at the limit... just strained my arm earlier on... and i'm still pushing myself... though i am tired... but the thought of giving up never once did occur to me... it's cause i really love her alot... more den just something she can imagine... tat's y i never thought of giving up... tat's y i keep trying... but i think now... i have to step back a little and just maintain as friends??? hmm maybe tat's wat i can do now... i'm not sure either... but one thing for sure... loving her is something i never imagine i could do... something i will treasure it alot even if it does not bear any fruit... cause loving someone have no reason... and not being able to forget someone is not her fault too... cause we all have someone we cannot forget... for now... i'll just have to observe again... and see if there is anything i can do... but i still prefer tat one day... she will just tell me wat she is thinking so that i can dun need to guess anymore... if making things clear can help solve all problems... den making it clear will be the best way for all of us... that is something i think it might help...