Hope... i'm starting to be afraid...
hope is something which i dun dare to think abt...
it's true tat the higher the hope is... the more the disappointment...
but for me... i dun even dare to think of hope...
i'm just living my life on a daily basis...
y??? cause i am afraid that the disappointment will hurt a lot...
cause i dun wan to lose her... cause i wan to be with her...
but yet... all these i also dun dare to think abt it...
i'm confused and lost... but one thing for sure...
I love her more as day goes by...
i do admit though i am jealous...
but yet i know all these will not do me any good...
but i guess i'll just have to accept the decision she make...

Hmm... careless me... today i dropped a cup... it broke into pieces... and well...
i stepped onto the fragment... and well my feet is bleeding... hmm... real careless of me...
but i was thinking of something... well not really something but i was thinking of her...
and i got distracted and accidentally drop the cup... though the wound is not deep...
blood still flow down as i take every step... it doesn't really hurt... maybe cause i am numb le...
though it happen so sudden... still i hope to recover soon... and i'll be able to run to her tml again...
hope the healing will not take too long... and the bleeding to stop soon... i dun wan to walk...
and bleed at the same time... and i dun wan to make her worry...
so i shall just keep this to me and this blog... till the time she find out... i should already recover...
and everything will be back to normal... and i still love her so much...

Today mark the end of my 3rd day in AFS...
Time crawls whenever i am there... probably cause my heart is not there...
i admit... i misses her alot... be it during lesson or lunch...
i really do miss her... furthermore... i dun really get much chance to spend time with her...
as much as i wan to... i'm stuck so far away from her...
but still just a simple gesture from her will always make my day...
i'll always smile when i see her smile... in fact her smile is something that will cheer me up...
be it sad or tired... one look at her smile and i'll feel alot better...
i maybe silly but i know i've change alot... and i've grown...
love to me now is not longer abt having her by my side but just wanting her to be happy...
it doesnt really matter who she choose in the end... as long as she is happy...
i'll be happy too... that's my love to her... and it will be like this always...

Counting down to monday...
time flies and here I am... thinking back abt the first time i met her...
though the time is short... she made me think abt her all the time...
it's funny though... everytime she call for me... i had to run to her no matter where i am...
and it's always me tat is sprinting and chasing after her...
she kept me going strong and motivated me to work harder...
soon i will not be able to keep her company... soon i will be away from her...
i dunno wat will happen during the time i am not around... but hopefully...
it's not something i will regret for life... now it's like i am the one lagging behind...
it's like i've become a cushion and is always there when she needed me or when she fall...
i still have my principle... and i am a man of my words... though i'm not sure if she noticed it...
it's like now... i cannot let go... cause of a promise... and i dun intend to let go too...
cause i do like her alot... all i can do now is wait... and let fate and destiny decide for me...
be myself and let her see a different side of me... and hopefully tat will make her like me more...
reality may be cruel but i think by the time she made a decision... i should be more prepared...
and accept her choice... i guess that's y i never expect any return when i love someone...
so i shall just live my life on a daily basis...

Things indeed went back to normal...
sadly... does every girls means what they say???
like when they say they dun really care...
do they really mean it???
that's pretty confusing... for guys especially...
when we think they care... they say we think too much...
when we think they dun... they compliant more...
this is really a weird world...
this aside... i finally got my contract for RSAF le...
soon i'll be working as a NS regular...
though the bond will be for 6 yrs... i hope i can achieve greater heights...
at least then will i be able to provide a good life for my love one...
getting tired easily now... but still i think my heart tells me to follow the heart of hers...
as long as she is ready to accept me... i'll be waiting by the back for her...
just waiting for the day to come... and hopefully it will not be a wrong decision for her...

Things seems to have settle down now...
still I'm really am confused... I'm lost at wat i should be doing...
Been so long since i last felt like this... I really hate this feeling...
loving someone yet I have to pretend that I feel nothing...
when i see her so near... i can only keep quiet and watch over her...
looking at her back... just make me feel so distant... and dreams seems so far...
perhaps this is the price to pay... this is my karma...
I mean i really dun mind getting hurt but I guess i am not tat strong as i think i am...
i have my weak point and i guess this is something i need to work on it...
even though we are back to friends now... i really wonder if i will still get the chance to love her...
with Jeremy... i really dunno wat to do... just feel like hiding forever... just wanna hide...
just wanna avoid this issue... but i noe somehow i still need to face it... i still need to work on it...
and i need to obtain an answer from it... otherwise i will be burden by this issue for life...
after talking to luyun for the past few days...
i guess i can only accept her advice and observe the situation for awhile...
hopefully there is a chance for me... I know i have been doing things that is not me...
and i wanna change and show her the real me... the me tat is compromising...
the me tat will give her my best in things i do... and that i will make her happy all the time...
though i know i may not be a very good person... but at least i am willing to change...
for her... i will if she wants it... guess love is blind... mine is foolish... but that's life...
there's nth i can do to change it... this is me ba...

I thought my resolve was set but I dun think it was after today...
just receive a sms from HER... she told me why she hated me...
I sort of guess what the reason was too... but what really hurt me was not the reason...
but was me making her cry... I thought only 1 person needed to be hurt and be hated...
and tat 1 person was to be me... but upon knowing that she cried... I know i failed...
I regret doing those things to hurt her but can I still turn back???
I'm not sure at all... I'm confused... I wanna love her but yet I dun think I can...
afterall her heart is set to go with Jeremy... wat else can I do here except wait???
I'm not even sure if she will forgive me for making her hate me... I too hate this silent war...
Every time I see her... I just cant help but wanna hide... hide away from her...
hide away from everything... I'm just being a fool at times... especially when it come to relationship
I'm always hiding being and dare not step to the front... it's tiring... very tiring...
but there seems to be nth else I can do... afterall waiting is wat I do best...
I can only hope things will get better for me... and that my chance is still not lost...
at least i know she still cares abt me... at least I know she misses me too...
Just hope things will improve and I get to love her openly...

Finally... it's over... this episode ended the way i wanted it to be...
now she hates me alot and tat's wat i wanted afterall...
doing all those things was to get her to hate me... and i have done it...
just hope she can find her happiness with him...
foolish or not i dunno... but i noe... this is how it show end anyway...
rather den keeping a relationship tat will never work...
might as force it to go...
it's hard to let go and i cant let go...
a promised i made... i kept it till the end...
no doubt i already noe it's impossible for me...
i still held on and not letting go... but it hurts alot...
when she say those words... my heart really break...
it's like my heart being torn apart bit by bit...
and in the end... i kept my cool and gave her my blessing...
the things i do... is not something i would do... but i did it to spite her...
guess it went well... and for that... i get the answer i am looking for...
to be frank... i already prepare myself for this ending le...
i used 4 hrs to gauge us... and if by the end of the 4 hrs... no reply is given...
i will give up and leave... and true enough... i did... not because i am letting go...
but because i can feel tat i am not the one for her...
even if it means hurting me... i am willing to sacrifice...
i've been doing it for the past relationship... and i dun see why i cannot do it now...
but this time... it hurts more den anything...
those words... those comment... i guess i deserve it...
it was never my intention to do so but i really wanted to test her...
now i am paying the price...
from now on... i just hope she will be happier... with him...
and that he will never ever make her sad... angry or cry...
i will though find a way to recover from it... but i dun think it will be so easy...
afterall... i really did put my heart and soul to love her...
that's y the hurt is more for me... too bad she will never see this post anyway...
no one will cause this blog has been more of like a private one...
Be happy Josephine... Live yur life with Jeremy to the fullest...
cause i know i can't give u wat Jeremy can... so i had to make u hate me...
making u hate me will make it easier for me to leave u... and watch over u from behind...
cause i still care abt u... and some feelings will never change...

Why must it always be me???
I never understood why things will happen in this way...
Though I'm not the first to know her...
but end up... I have fallen in love with her...
but the problem lies not in me loving her but it's my friend...
both of us love the same person... and she too cant decide which one of us is suitable for her..
I always thought if I should compromise again but this time I really wish to be selfish...
4 yrs... time past and it's been so long since i last felt this feeling....
I wish for her to stay by me... though i keep thinking i might not be able to get a wish come true...
i've been trying to get myself drunk today but still it doesn't work.... in the end...
i cant get myself drunk...
sometimes i really hate myself... i really hate it when i have to compromise...
i really hate it when i have to give up my happiness for others...
but i know i am too soft for this...
i just hate it when i cannot be cold hearted...
This time... i just wanna hold her close in my arms....
to look after her... to give her the best i could... even if it means me losing everything...
i will still provide her the best that i can give.... even if she does not choose me...
i will still stay at the back... looking out for her... and keep her going strong...
when she fall... i'll be there to hold her...
even though i promised her to never let her go... i really do hope i can keep to the promise...
I really dun wish to hurt or see her get hurt... cause i know i really wanna cherish her...
I just dun wanna lose her... i just dun wanna lose anyone anymore...
especially the person i love the most...
I really dun mind getting hurt once more.... getting hurt by her... is the worst possible thing to happen but i was accept it gracefully cause loving someone is to give her the best happiness and to see her being happy... this is all i can ever wish for if i am not the one she will love...