xGiNx

2010-05-16T22:28:00.002+08:00

People say guys don't cry but rather they bleed. Well the saying is never true all the time. Tears fell today. I feel so useless. I thought by providing what she lack would be giving her a better life but maybe I'm giving her too much pressure? There's nothing wrong with being poor. I've been through such life. I may now be well to do off but I don't anyhow spend. But if I have to spend to make sure she eats well and have a better life, I feel that the money will be well spent.

I am also a human too. I have emotions and I do feel sad. Sometimes I just keep it to myself. I try not to show it out too. I will still keep a positive mind cause things will change. And those changes will be for the better.

2010-03-18T19:10:00.003+08:00

My love is true. Nothing is fake. It never was and it never will. I know I may have hurt her last nite. I tried to help make thing better between her sister and her. I cared more about her. I didn't sleep well last nite too. A bad dream I had. I can't stop thinking about her.

Just today, I'm being ignored the whole day. I know I deserve it. I don't blame her. I just want to make things right again. I just want our relationship to be back to how it was. Everyone makes mistake. I too am not a perfect person. Sometime my decision can cause hurt around ppl that cares/loves me. I know that too. I cannot always make the right decision. I'm a human.

To my girlfriend, I'm sorry if my decision hurt you. I never wanted it to end up like this. I though my decision can help prevent quarrel between you and yur sister. I regretted it alot. I'm sorry. I really am. My love for you is still true. I never give up on you and I hope you too will never give up on me. I love you alot. I stand by you whenever you need me and now I really need you to stand by me. Give me a chance to make things right. Give this white piece of paper another chance and I promise I'll be transparent to you. Never will I lie to you again. Forgive me okay? Loves!

2009-11-08T20:03:00.001+08:00

I dun care anymore. Period. Really very tired. Very irritated and very FAN now!!! Just wanna be left alone!!!

2009-10-15T22:09:00.002+08:00

Finally managed to squeeze sometime to blog. Been real busy with studies lately. Almost every week have test and exam. Well at least life is moving on. Though times I do feel lonely. Of course come Nov 16, I'll be staying in. Guess that's when life gets more tough. Now suddenly I dun mind being send oversea for detachment. 2yrs is the longest and I do hope to go US for my detachment. 2yrs there will definitely change alot of me. Next thing is volleyball. Joined the tournament in camp. Won the first match. 2 more match to go. Cant wait for it to end. Hope can get 1st or at least 2nd. Well back to studying le. Alot of things to learn now. Must pass out from camp successfully. Jia You Markie~~~ Haha.

2009-10-06T01:27:00.002+08:00

I am no one but a person trying to find something meaningful for myself to live. I long for love but I know it cannot be forced. I long for peace yet it's so hard to achieve. All I want in life is nth but a simple world to live in. A world where I can be love and I can be myself at ease. Nothing goes to the way I've planned it to be. Always facing the burden and struggles of being alone. That's me. That's my life now. It's messy and yet no matter how hard I try to clear things, it just get even more messy than it already is. Is what I ask for very hard to achieve? Can't I for once just find someone whom I can settle down with? I planned to start a family but yet in this cruel world, I'm not given a chance. Is it so hard for ppl to love me? Am I too difficult to understand? Or is it because no ones understand my meaning of simple life? I tot maybe sparks might fly in camp but I guess I'm just too naive? Perhaps I am. Perhaps me being simple is a naive thing. I tried. I failed. I'll just keep waiting for the right time to appear. Loving someone is not an ez task for me. Till now, I still can't figure out why husband and wife can be together for so long. What keep their love going? Can I also achieve those love? I guess only time will tell.

" Just wishing for a simple life and a family to be with. Is it so hard to achieve? "

2009-10-01T21:40:00.002+08:00

Hmm. It's her birthday today. Haha well did celebrate her birthday with a surprise. Glad she enjoyed herself. Today course started with a long module. I shall try my best to remember all though. It may be a long module but I believe I can handle it. Lastly, happy birthday again. Though I know she will never be able to view this blog. Haha well let's just be happy here will do. I guess I shall be going for it soon. Wish me success.

" I'm starting to think of the possibilities that might happen. "

2009-09-28T00:51:00.002+08:00

haiz... sian. Today I just sprained my left ankle. Doubt for the next few days, I can train nor play basketball. Sad. Hopefully it will recover soon. Anyway tml will be the posting day. Haha hope I get into a course I like. Well all the best for tml I guess. Excited.

" Injured like hell. Hope I can recover fully soon. "

2009-09-26T02:04:00.002+08:00

Isnt if funny how love works? Sometimes it's just a thin line between things but yet it can do so much wonder. Cherish is something I learn from love. Something that has a deep impact on me. Yea so wat if I'm single now. I never stop to look for another opportunity. No doubt love dont come so easily, I believe my time will come. It's nice to see couple loving each other. It's not wrong to fall in love either. We all have someone special in our world. Even if u may not meet each other now, eventually u will meet her someday. Life is great lately. Everyday just going down for jogging really keep me fit. Training to maintain my fitness has already become part of my job scope. Well afterall I'm a regular already. No more NSF. So fitness is a must to maintain. Who knows, I might run marathon someday. Haha it's all mind over body.

" Wonder if she knows what I am thinking about now. "

2009-09-23T21:29:00.002+08:00

Hmm just came back from another 4k jog. Wat a windy nite. Hmm now life is going on fine. Despite being single now, I'm moving on. No more clinging onto the past anymore. We all grow up and from the things that happened, I too learn somethings. Somehow, I'm kinda addicted to jogging already. Haha since course starting soon too, I guess I'll be spending more time on jogging instead. Of course I'll still play ball. Haha no matter wat, I must maintain my fitness and hope to lose more weight. I must become more slimmer. Haha basketball too, I must improve more. Guess that's life and goal for me now.

" No longer the same old me. A new beginning for me has just started. "

2009-09-21T01:54:00.002+08:00

Hmm... single now is good. I mean I am more free and I enjoy it. To all my ex, they are still a friend to me. Being nobody to me is not something I would think. Even if there can be no relationship to work out, it doesn't just mean the end. Friends are always an option we should look to. Friends are there to help one another. To listen and advice when necessary. True friend never abandon another friend. I'm different and I know I never give up on a friend in need. This is me. This is a side I never show but I know I am one.

" I am different but I know I am not a person who will abandon those in need. I am so because I am willing to defend the country with my life. "

2009-09-19T00:58:00.003+08:00

Hmm everyone moved on. I guess that's good. Sometimes all I just need is a word from the person. I'm prepared for the worst. Now I'm just hoping things will be better in camp. I'm making a choice now though. Should I go for someone else? Hmm camp is fun and training is made more easy with her around. Though she's on MC today, I still hope she get well soon. Training isn't the same anymore without her presence. Encouragement isn't there and so is the motivation. I guess once course start, I'll be able to communicate with her more and talk to her more. Like that, I can get to know her better before I make my choice. Hmm shall see when course start.

" All I was waiting for was you to be honest with me. Guess it didn't come at all. "

2009-09-16T01:32:00.003+08:00

I guess all I see now are just empty words. If since you already have a decision, den dun give other ppl false hope. DUN give empty words when you know in the end yur words cannot be trusted. To be betrayed time and time again, I too have a limit. But still I'm glad that maybe this can put an end to everything. All my promises to you, I've done it. Yurs? I let time show me. Disappointed is all I feel now. So much for studying. All I finally see at the end of the path is a dead-end. Guess it's good luck for O lv.

" A person will only earn trust when he/she is honest to others. I've lost faith in you."

2009-09-16T00:09:00.002+08:00

Another day have past. Drank quite alot today during happy hour. Hmm and I sorted out some thinking. I remembered her telling me action speaks louder den words and it's clear that her actions have proved to me what she wants. Finally, I decided to move on. From now on, whatever will happen on me, I'll just live through it. In the end, I chose to move ahead despite the burden of my heat dragging me to stop.

" Your actions have made me moved on. "

2009-09-14T12:20:00.003+08:00

An answer? Hmm I think I know what it might be already. Guess it doesn't matter anymore since things have already progress this much. So I'll just let it be. Afterall somethings are quite clear cut and there is no point in trying hard anymore. I've seen the true colour and it doesn't matter to me anymore.

" All I'll preserve are the memories we had. "

2009-09-12T22:01:00.000+08:00

Another day has gone past. Beside basketball, I guess I've been playing PSP alot lately. Hmm not much things to update le. Life is very bored for the past few days. Things seems to quieten down alot too. Contact have also been less now. I guess this is life now ba. I have learn to adjust to it le. Question is should I move on or let myself stand still in time? Hmm this is a question I think I will have to decide myself.

" There's a reason I'm holding back but there is also another reason for me to move on. "

2009-09-10T22:51:00.002+08:00

Another day is gone. Just now girl told me, I must love myself more if not how can I expect ppl to love me? Y are u so good to me? Is it worth it? She know she treat me bad but yet she cannot accept me to treat her so good. Truth is I do love myself. It's not that I don't. It's just so happen that I always think abt others first before me. Why do I do all these? First, her parents will scold her and the amount maybe too much for them to handle too. Next, I can't expect her to keep worrying abt money matters when her O lv is coming. This is care to her. This is the way I care for her. I considered all the possible factors and in the end I think this is the least I could do for her. Helping her is something I can do. I dun expect her to love me but as long as I'm around, I'll always try to help her with what I can. You can't expect me to dun give a damn abt not helping her. I'm sorry but I'm soft hearted to the person I love. I can't be hard hearted to her. Even if we end up not being together, I still can't do it. It's my personality. This is me. This is my weak point. I guess I can only live with it. If she cannot accept me for this den I'll just have to accept the fact. Truth is always harsh. I just have to live with it.

" Love is blind. "

2009-09-10T02:18:00.002+08:00

Hmm so tired today. Got home after work and I started sleeping till like 2 am? hmm yea. Today I spent my whole day at changi ferry terminal. Well took a walk there with the folks from chesire home. Those elderly from the home gave me a chance to take a walk and think abt things. Pushing a wheelchair isnt easy but I'm glad I did finish my job today. The other guys came back and it's great cause the class is back to full strength again. I just dunno why though my kokoro isnt here anymore. I'm really tired from all these. Constantly making myself busy. I know things might never be the same anymore. My smile is never real anymore. Sometimes it's just too much for me to find a reason to smile again. Things at the moment are not what I really expect it to be. I still remember I was really happy when I got attached to her. I thought things will be better and life have finally started to move on to the path I always hoped for. I guess I'm wrong? Hmm I guess I can be replaced in other ppl kokoro but in mine, I doubt I can replace it. It's never fair for me in life that no matter wat I do, I alone cannot change my fate. Sometimes being too nice isn't a good thing. But being nice is also the one thing I can do for her. Treating her good is the only thing which I believe will make her life easier. I guess I'm like a stick it post. Always ready for ppl to tear and use but the fate is, I'll be thrown away when once my job is done. Can I ever find the love I am looking for? Time shall tell everything.

" On the verge of dieing, one will realize the true nature of life. "

2009-09-08T23:11:00.003+08:00

Hmm today I was really in a bad mood but now I feel better le. Just now ran with an uncle. He's a 1WO from Navy. Hmm though the run was a short one, I feel that I have calm down alot. Sometimes I really wonder, doing so much for her, do I not deserve her love at all? It's clear I love her more den she love me. It's clear on how much I wanna protect her smile, but do I really no deserve a chance at all? She told me I treat her very good. But even if I treat her so good, do I not deserve a chance to be with her? No doubt we used to be together but we broke up for a reason too silly for me to accept. Now after so long, do I still not deserve the chance to get together once more? I guess maybe this is the question which stopped me from moving forward. If there is no love between us, I rather she hate me and ignore me. I rather she tell me straight in the face there is no love. Than I can stop all these struggle. I took 1 yr to get over my ex whom I love alot. This time, I really dunno how long it will be. To be truly happy for me is to live my life with the person I love to the fullest. Being happy everyday. Now, I'm just another soul walking around living in my dreams. Can I come back to reality? I guess I will have to find out myself.

" Chance is all I'm looking for. Waiting only for the time to come and an answer to be given. "

2009-09-07T19:50:00.002+08:00

Shit. I miss her so so much. Haiz. All these seems to be a test for me. A test of faith, a test of endurance, a test of patience and a test of my love. I really wanna protect her smile. Seeing her smile is more impt. It's true I used to be a lousy boyfriend but I've really changed. I'm no longer the old me. The one who used to take things for granted and never be responsible. Now I realize how impt responsibilities is and I won't shrink it. I just really wish for a chance to be with her. Start life over once more and live happily as long as we are together. Just wanna make her smile everyday and give her the best in life she can ever get. I will also never give up and abandon her. Just wanna be there for her all the time when she really need someone. Love is this simple for me. I doubt I will even quarrel with her. Promises made are meant to be follow and I will definitely make all my promises count. After all, I've been waiting for 6mth already. What is another 6 mth to me?

" I've never given up hope and I promise I will never abandon u. "

2009-09-07T10:16:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time since I last despise someone. He really dun deserve her. Such a jerk doesn't even deserve to love. Craps abt feelings fade is bullshit. If you really love someone, feelings will never fade. He's just afterall a playboy.

" If there is the chance for me, I'll definitely be a better boyfriend than him. "

2009-09-06T21:42:00.003+08:00

Hmm wat a day. Now I'm seriously injured. With the existing pains, now my tail bone hurts when I run. Hmm guess for a short period, I cannot play basketball le. Hmm shall rest for now. Maybe at nite I'll blog again.

2009-09-06T08:24:00.002+08:00

Hmm wat a cold morning. Slpt at 3 plus last nite. Was waiting for a call but unfortunately it didnt come. I know something wasn't rite. I can feel it but den again I may be wrong. Hmm slpt for 4 hr though. Morning wasn't good either. Shoulder and gastric pain suddenly came and now I'm really struggling. What should I do? Is she attached? I really dunno! I just dun wanna see her sad. I like her smile and I just wanna see her smile all the time. I just wanna be there for her. I just...

" The pain in the heart is the most painful and fearful thing than dieing. "

2009-09-05T03:37:00.001+08:00

Cold. This is all I'm feeling now. No matter how much injuries I sustain, it's no longer painful anymore. Gastric problems is coming back at me and seriously, the pain is getting worst but it's not longer a pain I cannot endure. Is things going to get better? I often ask myself what do I want in life. I maybe able to afford all the material possessions but will I be truely happy? I know all these while, I am looking for a special someone. Someone that will make me truely happy. No doubt at times we quarrel, I never gave up. Giving up someone I love is something I would do in the past. I would often run away from problems and never dare face them seriously. That is all in the past. Unfortunately, the world is a harsh place to live in. Reality always come crashing when you least expect it. Because of this, I keep telling myself to face the problems with courage. Never run away from it. The old me is gone. Life is so different from the time I had in my younger days. This society is often forcing ppl to accept things and evolve from it. I guess this is wat we would call evolution. The same goes for love. A small setback will not put me down. I will still stand strong and face it. No matter how much hurt I've obtain, I will still stand up after falling. In this world, hurt is forever there. But the difference is how we face it. Do we have the courage to face it? That is the question that will be etched in my mind for a long run.

" I know my heart is in pain. I know I'm bleeding inside but yet I still misses you. Beside here, I dunno where else I can tell you how much I misses u. "

2009-09-04T09:01:00.002+08:00

Hmm lately I'm not sure why but I am getting restless. I'm easily tired at nite. Hmm perhaps it's the training I do everyday. Either strength training, speed training or group run. All these have made me reach my physical limits. The question is why do I train so hard? I don't understand though but I know I have a responsibility to be physically fit. I'm a soldier and I have to protect the ppl around me. That include every singaporeans. I need to get stronger. I have to. I want to protect everyone I care for and I will do it.

" Being able to protect is a gift of responsibility. "

2009-09-02T21:59:00.002+08:00

A long day of exercising. Hmm jogged alot today. haha I think if I keep it up, my 2.4 timing will definitely improve. Haha cant wait for it to happen. Anyway time to some thoughts. Sometimes we human are just so foolish. Yet being foolish, that's something we will do infront of our love ones. 6mth was all it was. Being foolish and yet giving my heart to everything I do. I miss those days. Really do. I struggle for 6mth but those 6mths was a happy time for me. I really wonder if there will be more 6mths to come. Sometimes it's just the sight of couple which makes me feel down. I used to have a very nice gf but yet I lost her to another person. Didn't know how to cherish and treasure her. Now, I intend to let time show me if the chance is there. Somethings is best to let if flow naturally afterall. Recently, I just hurt both side of my shoulders. Hmm kinda bad injuries but I think I will recover soon. Life isn't that great afterall. I'm just getting older by the years to come. What can I say, I'm no longer a teenager so the problems I face is more complicated than those I used to face.

" No more the good old carefree life. Now everyday is full of pressure from my bosses. "

2009-09-01T23:06:00.002+08:00

Hmm I guess things is getting better ba. Seriously if girl were to take out tat mask, she will really make a fine girl. Well glad she is changing. If she loves me, I'll be more den happy to get back together with her. Afterall, deep down in my heart, I know I still love her. I had to be harsh. I had to show her the reality of this world. One can never have the best of both world. What's left for me now is a miracle and a hope. A hope that one day, girl will come back to me and we will start over once again.

" I'm really happy for you. I miss you. I really do. "

2009-09-01T12:45:00.002+08:00

Hoho. Finally, the match is over. Hmm well got 3rd today. Kinda cool. Haha at least we didn't lose today. Now I'm just waiting for time to meet my Staff then off to town and slack for the day. Well hopefully later will be fun. I really need time to relax. Too much things is happening lately and too little time to solve them. Time isn't on my side. Just hope things will be settled soon.

" Only time will tell. "

2009-08-31T23:21:00.003+08:00

Hmm hoho I'm back to what I am in my poly days. Hmm the same feeling is back. The days where I just slack around and move without ppl noticing me. Haha kinda fun though. Yea been pretty relax lately. Though life is missing something but I guess I'll get used to it. After all, I am who I am. No one will know my lifestyle better den me. Haha. Anyway, tml morning I'll be having basketball competition. Hmm 3 on 3. Well it's for 3rd n 4th placing. Shall do my best tml. Hopefully we will win and get 3rd. Haha cant wait for tml to come. All the best to team AFTC. Cheers!

" Love comes in many different forms. What is mine going to be? "

2009-08-29T13:45:00.002+08:00

Love isn't abt the result but the process. As long as we can love one another wholeheartedly, it will be the best memories we will ever experience. It will be more worth it.

" New perspective in love. I've learn so much. "

2009-08-27T20:56:00.002+08:00

Another quiet day. Hmm today just spend the whole day playing psp at work. Hmm well at least another day is over. Tml will be an off day for me so I think I can rest more. Hmm anyway last nite waited till 1am in the morning but still my phone was quiet. Hmm ended up very tired at work today. So I slpt in the class while waiting for time to finish work. Hmm hopefully tml will be a off which is worth taking. I'm really just letting things flow for now. It's no point forcing someone to love me when all it does was the exact opposite. Hmm learn alot though. Oh another thing, I think I'm really losing my appetite le. Nowadays can't eat much at all. I get full easily. Hmm somehow I feel it's time I stop being childish and be myself more. Maybe it will help better.

" Being mature is one thing. In relationship, I guess it's more abt giving in to each other and being dependent. "

2009-08-26T20:08:00.003+08:00

Hmm what a quiet day today. Morning had my IPPT and I finally got a silver. Hmm it's also the first time I ran 10.min59sec for my 2.4Km. Hmm pretty happy about this. This shows that I really have improved alot since the last time time I took my IPPT. Next I wanna thank Ashley. Hmm if it's not for her, I wont be able to run so fast. Thanks for being my pacer for the run. Appreciate yur help. Hmm next, phone was quiet today. Well I guess I can only keep waiting till it will ring.

" Life has become too quiet without u around. I miss those days when we had so much fun. "

2009-08-26T06:31:00.000+08:00

Hmm today will be my IPPT. Hopefully everything will go smoothly. Hmm hopefully my backache will not cause problem for me today. I must pass it not matter what!

" I'll be waiting for you. "

2009-08-25T00:22:00.002+08:00

How can I make things possible? Hmm tough question for me. Well maybe it's time to try and do things differently. It's about time to stop giving trouble to others. Time to be stronger and work things out peacefully. Goals are set by people and are meant to be worked for it. Will there even be a day where all my troubles can be wiped out so easily? Although things have 2 side for each problems, it's always up to the person himself to look at things the way he prefer. Optimistic or not is solely base on the person alone. Maybe it might just be better if I look things at a more optimistic view. I guess it will make me a more better person as a whole. Sometimes too much changes is not a good thing but I think I can try it out. It might bring me surprises. Shall see how things go.

" I know somethings you may be forcing to not to understand but you will still understand it in the future when the time comes. "

2009-08-24T14:58:00.002+08:00

Isn't it surprising for 2 total stranger to notice each other and started seeing each other? Hmm yea this is life I guess. Last nite I talked to girl. Hmm lately it's been just more of quarrel than talking. Okay I admit I am at fault too. Well I'm still learning. It's not easy to be an adult. That's one thing that is very true. As a secondary sch student, we always think of having fun but we really never expect what we will face in life. I didn't think abt my future b4 in the past but I guess I now know the pressure it gives me is not that easy to handle. Things like car and furthering my studies, all these cost money. There's installment for the car to think about. Not only that, petrol also cost money. Not forgetting the one more impt thing. Car insurance. Haha well it's goals like that which add on to me having to work harder and being able to provide a more comfortable life. It will be easier for me too. No doubt working will get tougher, but it's all worth. Sometimes this is what it means to live in Singapore. Standard of living is so much higher as times goes on. Well I guess I will still keep trying to keep things together. Be it life or love, I will do my best.

" Love does motive me and make me stronger. "

2009-08-23T10:43:00.002+08:00

Hmm I wonder, how long was it since I last drank so much martel. Cup after cup, I just keep drinking and drinking. Somehow I just want to get drunk. Hmm unfortunately, I didn't. As usual, it takes more den just 1 bottle to get me drunk. Got home after that. Hmm reached home near 5am in the morning. Though I'm tired, I still got up early today. Well today doesn't seems to be a good day either. We shall see how later. If I have time later, maybe I'll just practice my basketball. Hmm shall make my 3 point shooting more accurate this week.

" It's all about the choices we make. "

2009-08-21T17:27:00.002+08:00

What does a ring symbolizes? Hmm in my opinion, it is the love we share with one another. The ring that I have now is very impt to me. No doubt I may use harsh words, I still love her. It's the same no matter what happen between us. Last nite we quarrel over JH. Well it's more like I started the quarrel. Reason is still more of JH existence. I wouldn't mine if they are just friends but I just can't control myself to get mad over it. I gave my heart to her and since then it's a choice I made. I never regret giving the heart to her at all. Love is abt trust and I do trust her. Sometimes seeing her get frustrated over such problems really pain me too. I'm not sure if she felt it but it hurts me to see her upset. Of course I would very much like to help share her problems and help her pull through all obstacle. Honestly speaking, I wouldn't have endure so much if I didn't love her and I'm still enduring cause I just love her so much. I may not be the perfect person but at least I'm honest with her. I never lie to her cause it doesn't help to foster the relationship between us. For now it's really complicated but hopefully after everything is over, things will settle down and this problem will be solved. I just hope for the best.

" Loving you is something I cherish in my life for I really mean it. "

2009-08-18T22:15:00.001+08:00

RCGC. Hmm I must say, it's quite boring but yet at the same time, it's fun. Well alot of work to do there and it's all labour work. Well today miss girl alot. Hmm though didnt sms her today cause of work but I still think of her. Anyway today is not really a good day either. Some unhappy things happen and I cannot do anything abt it. I feel terrible but yet no matter how I dislike it, I still have no say in things. It's been a long long day today.

" Why cant things be much more simpler? ~Loves~ "

2009-08-16T23:23:00.002+08:00

Today is another day. Had lunch with Donald and Iskandar. After that I went to Lot 1. Went there to collect the rings. Hmm after that, went home to change and went to fragrant. Played ball for awhile then off to girl hse. Had dinner with girl and mei mei. Hmm her mum was nice. Actually offered help to wash the dishes but her mum says it's okay. Haha guess next time ba. When I am offically introduce as girl's bf. Haha cant wait for this day to come. Dreaming ba. Haha.

Hmm next up is secrets. Hmm everyone has secrets. Some are meant to be hidden for life, while some are not. Guess secrets are something we cannot expect it to disappear neither can we go around asking others for their secrets. Well secrets are afterall somethings that is meant to be told when it is, so there is no point in asking more.

" Somethings are meant to be ignored while some are meant to be pretend that I dont know. " - Quote of the day

" Miss you so much. "

2009-08-16T00:28:00.002+08:00

I'm so scared. I'm so afraid I'll lose the fight and lose girl for good. Life is full of uncertainty. If only things will be better. If only he didn't existed. If only there is me and her. Wouldn't life great? I think it will be perfect. So confused now. I just wanna find a turtle shell and hide inside.

Today someone guy made me damn pissed off. Hearing his friends called girl his girl really make my blood boils. I would really beat him up if it is not for girl sake. I held back and try to keep cool. I really very mad. I know girl was scared but I'm really sorry. Hearing those words and seeing him really make me lose my cool.

" If only there is a better way to make her love me and only me. I know I am selfish too. "

2009-08-14T12:46:00.002+08:00

Finally a long weekend. haha been so long since I can rest so long. Hmm shall spend this moment properly. Next monday onwards will be busy though. Got basketball training and till now, I'm hoping that I made it for team RSAF. Hmm shall wait for the call ba. If no call den I shall try again next year. Girl now in school and too bad she cant have lunch with me. Tonight she also got tuition so most prob tonight I'll be playing ball le. Hmm tomorrow will have game with some ppl at 369. Shall see who is stronger ba. Most importantly must not let girl feel alone. Shall give her the strength to stay strong. :) Last thing, I cant wait for sunday to faster come. Hahaha

" Missing you is ever so strong with each passing day. "

2009-08-12T23:35:00.002+08:00

Happy moment never last do they? Somehow my happiness is always short lived. I thought things will get better but unfortunately, it's kinda complicated. Hmm. It's never easy ba. To be able to pretend to ignore things that you dun like and seeing the other person doing it. My mind is in a whirl now. Too much things for me to handle le but I'm not giving up for her. I'm fighting to survive and hold on. Wish things will be easier for me. Wish I can have my perfect ending.

" In the end, I still held yur hand and walk down the path of yur harsh road with you. ~LOVES~ "

2009-08-10T09:00:00.002+08:00

" I'll hold you tight if you ever fall. I'll be there and support you. I'll give you courage to stand firm. I'll be your support. I'll never let you fall alone. "

2009-08-07T23:14:00.003+08:00

" Words can never express how much I miss you. Words can never express how much I love you. I hope you can feel it with your heart. My love to you."

2009-08-07T20:54:00.002+08:00

This feeling sux. Hmm I dunno how to describe this feeling but I totally dun like it at all. Hmm anyway great news, today CAT test I managed to clear a silver level. Hmm means if I maintain the same standard for my IPPT, I will pass with a silver. Haha cant wait for that day to come. Today also is the national day parade ceremonial. Hmm though it was a short parade, my best friend, Marian fainted. Good thing I caught her in time before she hit the floor. Well at least she is okay now. Looks like she must fall in from the outside rather than crowding around in the middle.

Now I'm just so tired. Both mentally and physically. Mentally tired with the presentation work which I have to present on Tues. It's not laughing matter. Last presentation kinda screw up so this time, I must not screw up anymore. Not sure why I am so tired lately too. Maybe it's cause of all the physical training in camp. Haha but that is not an excuse. I shall get stronger so that I can recover faster. NDP also coming to an end soon. Haha sunday will be the last and final performance and all my sat will come back to me. Life will resume as normal. Course will also be starting soon. Guess I wont be so free to blog when the course start.

Something personal. I still remember in my poly days, I had a gf and we were really happy together. But all these didnt last long though. In the end, she fell in love with a guy younger than her even though she said before she won't. We both struggle and drag the relationship for some time and eventually, I lost to the guy. Hmm I guess sometimes being young have its good point. Now being a working adult, I am able to financially afford to look after another person. My view on relationship also change. It's no longer like how I view it at my sec sch days. Those days, there were nth to worry abt. No need to be afraid if the other party cannot take it or if the relationship would last. Those days we all just care abt having fun. It's when I grew older that I realised it's no so easy to let certain things go. Maybe deep down, I'm still bothered by the third party incident. To have a relationship being ruin by another party is not something I can easily forget. It means that I am not as good as the guy and that I cannot keep the heart of my love ones. To lose her just like that also means that I did not do a good job as a bf. I failed in my duty to protect and look after her. That's why I'm so determined to give my best to girl. So I wont fail in my duty again. It really going to be a long and thorny path to take but I think I will endure through and walk to the end with her. That's one reason why I cannot let go of girl. Silly I may be but I guess sometimes silly ppl do have silly fortune. Maybe one day girl will realise my love for her is not a lie and accept me. Well hopefully it's this easy. But I know it wont be. Guess that's all for the day. Shall rest for now.

" I've been missing and thinking abt you the whole day but I didn't want to disturb you."

2009-08-07T03:22:00.002+08:00

Hmm... A long lonely nite this is. Suddenly I just wake up to the sound around me. It's like I'm on one - third alert. Something just come across my mind. To girl, it seems like most words I say are meaningless to her but yet, all those words I've said are nothing but the fact. I love her alot. She means more than anything to me and to have her by my side is something I dream for. No doubt she does not believe my words, but still these are the fact that I can never lie to her. I dont just love her like that. My love comes with accepting who she is, her past, her present and her future. Like I told her, no matter what happen to her, I will love her and look after her. It doesn't matter to me if I am treated badly. I can even close one eye with actions I do not agree with her. What matters is I truely love her. I know it will be a difficult path but still I chosed to move on it. To gain her love is my ultimate goal. One day she will love me like how I love her. Till that day come, all I can ever do is give her my best and be there for her all the time. I may not be the guy that will fit all her expectation but I'll definitely try my best to treat her the best and treat her like a princess.
Afterall this is all that I can do.

"My love to you is never a lie and it will never be a lie, for I am not able to lie to you."

2009-08-04T22:51:00.003+08:00

A heart.
I've given mine to someone I really love and care alot. Though it's just a heart, it represent my everything. From my promises to my duty to take care of her. It's all in the heart. However, no matter what she do, I can forgive her but as long as she don't break the heart I gave her. Once it's broken, it cannot be mended. I hope my heart will never break. I hope to love her for as long as she will love me. This is all I can ever ask for. All my promises I made, I have never fail them. I kept and follow it for I cannot lie to her. I will not and cannot lie to her. Even when it come to food. I love dried scallops but knowing she like it too, I gave mine to her. She is afterall a girl I dote alot and love alot.

"My life is all about giving the best to you."

2009-07-31T23:32:00.002+08:00

I'm SORRY!

This is to someone whom I made angry today. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

Anyway, some updates. Just got into AFTC basketball team. Tues is the tournament and the opening match. Hopefully I can play under pressure and not burden the team. Been training hard these day. Hope all the training pay off. Joseph is also leaving for ROC tml. Hmm all the best to him. I'll work hard to win a medal and I will show it to Joseph. He taught me alot and help me improved and I'm really grateful to him to be able to make it into the team. Tml will be the NDP preview and after that, one more show and everything is over. Girl asked me to drink more water today. Thnx girl. I will drink more water de. Unfortunately I injured my wrist lately so better it heal soon and I can play ball without distraction.

" Life is all about living and living to the best."

2009-07-26T22:58:00.001+08:00

Hmm time seem to past really quick now. Hmm wonder how my life will be from now on. Do I still walk alone or will my hands be held and walk with another person. All these seems so vague now. I think time will tell me everything I need to know and I will have to be decisive. I cannot drag things any longer. It will just hurt ppl around me. Sometimes no matter how hard things become I will still have to move on.

2009-07-25T08:46:00.001+08:00

Time change and so do ppl. I too am no exception.

2009-07-23T23:21:00.002+08:00

Giving up is not as easy as one think. I had a friend who just broke up with his gf today. He's telling me that he tot giving up would be easy but it was not easy in actual fact. Till now though his relationship is short, but still he cant give up. Maybe it's cause of the feelings involved. It's not easy to stop loving someone u like. Some relationship can be given up easily if feelings faded. However there are also some short relationship that are worth keeping and holding on. I've found mine and I'm doing it just that. I'm holding on no matter how tough it gets and I wont let go anymore. I wont let her go just like that. I will hold on to her and wait for her even if it means losing myself. This is something I know I can do. I'm no longer like the past when I am in secondary school. The old me is no longer here. It died before poly even stared and wat is left is a new me. I'm not sure if it's good or not but I will leave it to others to decide.

"My heart is only with you and only you alone."

2009-07-19T23:06:00.004+08:00

Damn tired. Last nite NDP ended late again. This time it's later den usual. Hmm anyway, I just spend my day making myself damn tired again. Basketball the whole afternoon till nite. Legs really become jelly. Well my legs are really very sore too but tml is still another day of work and training. Guess I have to get used to it already. Tml will be another long day of work. Well hopefully tml got nth much to do so I can rest in class the whole day. Hopefully PT lesson will not be AGR again. Hmm and I hope tml will have good news. Maybe promotion or my IPPT test date is also a good thing for me. Wishing for the best now.

"Wind come and goes. Have I really become this wind or am I still stationary at the same point?"

2009-07-17T01:25:00.006+08:00

Your last sentence. "Dun think so much. I care for u." It touched my heart. Maybe there will be hope. Maybe things might change. Hearing them really makes me feel better. Even if it is a lie, I hope u will lie all the way.

"Really find myself so much in love with girl."

2009-07-16T22:36:00.002+08:00

So near yet so far. I really feel so empty inside. My heart is so empty. It not filling up no matter how hard I try. I am really a failure. No matter what I do, it never seems to be enough for all the ppl around me. I tried to smile and laugh as hard as possible today, but I cant seem to do it. Maybe I am losing myself. I dunno when I will lose myself but I hope it doesnt happen. I just want to be happy but will it ever happen? Will I find myself being the way I am in secondary school? Those were the time I am really happy no matter what happen. Optimistic was once something I once possesed. I lost it and I cant find it anymore. Pessimistic is now something I possesed. Confidence lost can hardly be gained back so easily. I guess all this really take time and I'll be trying hard to reach my goals.

2009-07-14T12:54:00.000+08:00

Another boring day but it wont be boring for long. Going to teach tuition soon in another few hours time.

" I finally found the answer I am looking for. Just waiting for a chance to come knocking."

2009-07-10T00:47:00.002+08:00

If love can be easily forget with all the pain and suffering I've experienced, it will really be a blessing in disguise. Be it happy moments or sad moments, each relationship is unique. Some may be sweet and romantic while others may be full of argument. One thing that cannot be denied is that there was once a time where both party really and truly love each other. Those were also the time where it is easily forgotten. Sweet things dun really last forever and forever is just a word to use to coax the ladies. Does forever really exist? I really doubt so. To me, every happy moment I had didnt last long. Even after the break up, I will still only remember the pain and suffering. Pain and suffering overpower sweetness and happiness. Bliss is a momentary feeling but not pain. Pain can be felt whenever something reminds you of the unhappy past one had. Once the wound is open, the pain will come back. However the most ironic thing about pain is, life is never complete if there is no pain in the world. Like Micheal Jackson. With his death, it pains many but still this pain make our life more colourful. Darkness will always come after light. So does colours. Where the bright colour end, dull colours will be visible. This is wat makes life meaningful. This is wat make us a person complete.

"In the end, I'm always waiting for something to happen rather than making things happen. Waiting.."

2009-07-08T23:05:00.002+08:00

Days past and time is just crawling slowly. Been hectic lately. NDP parade has now progress to NE shows and soon it will be the actual day itself. Cant wait for it come though. Once it end, I'm going to have a few days off and finally I can really rest well. Now I'm also teaching tuition to the guys and girls in fragrant wood. Lately, a friend also intro me to Yiruma. A great piano player. His songs really soothe my mood and allow me to relax. Hopefully in the time to come I will have more free time and can rest more. Really tired. Need to get a break soon.

2009-06-29T22:51:00.002+08:00

Today has been a long day. Pretty tired. Quite happy today though. Got praised by someone mother. Haha. Rare thing but it's a good thing. Hope more good things will come. haha

2009-06-24T15:49:00.002+08:00

Currently at work. Hmm weather isn't very good today either. Been raining since morning. Anyway just came in to add a post. Hopefully today the rain will not stop so early. The best is it will continue to rain till after work.

"It is not wrong to miss someone. It is okay to miss someone. It all boils down to feelings."

2009-06-24T00:30:00.003+08:00

Chances doesn't come easily does it? Hmm not sure how it will come but it do comes in many form. Today did some good things. Hmm first I still have my skill in fixing up phone line probs. haha yea today did fix up one of my friend house phone line. Cause her house using singtel line and suddenly internet and phone is down. Though when I reached her house, her internet is up, the phone line is not and I managed to fix it. Basketball too also reached a new level. Though I'm still weak but I think I gotten stronger le. No more just shooting from a long range. Now I can even do some lay up when there is a space.

Missing someone maybe a hard thing but as long as the person is happy, I'll also be happy.

2009-06-21T01:58:00.002+08:00

How do one appreciate one another? Is it when whatever a person do, you will still forgive the person? I feel that if one can appreciate the other party, it definitely make the love stronger. Despite problems face, they still can go through all the problems as one. Love is also not about who love who more but rather, it's more of 2 person giving each another a chance. A chance for them to find the happiness that both of them can agree upon. Sounds stupid? Maybe to some all these sound stupid. But this world is always so weird. There will always be someone who will agree with these either. I still believe in chances. I still believe in loving someone is to see the person happy even if we can't be together. Just like people who fall in love, it is usually mutually agree by both parties.

I know a girl on march 6th. Since then I fell in love with her. Though she is just an average girl but she is unique in her own way. Everyone is special. No one is alike. This makes life colourful too. All these can happen only when one is willing to give a chance to another person. Well life is all about decision making.

2009-06-17T23:33:00.002+08:00

Quote of the day. " Never assume with what you know when you are not the person directly involved. " Today is another tiring day. Good thing training was canceled. Get to slp in class the whole day. Well tml will be another better day I hope.

"Love is no more just 1 person."

2009-06-16T23:09:00.003+08:00

Presentation did not go as plan. Didn't do a good job so ya end up kinda got scolded by commanders. Damn tired today. Dunno why I'm feeling like tat. Somethings just caught my attention today. It's never her fault to begin with. It's my fault for not being the person she really hope I'll turn out to be. But again, my flaws may not be acceptable to her but hers is definitely acceptable to me. Cause I'm no different from any guy. I'm also human with feelings but I may be different from others. I'm not simple to understand and really it's never her fault to begin with. Somethings with the way I handle is different from one another. I handle things through my past experience so it's different. I just cant explain everything. Maybe time will tell ba. Hope so.

2009-06-14T22:46:00.002+08:00

Finally got my phone back. Today I went to do SBJ and to my surprise, I jump 220. Haha finally a big improvement. Now I'm adapting to the new phone I got from my aunt. Kinda hard to use but I believe I will get used to it soon. Did something pretty silly again. Yes, I cant stop myself from being nice to her. I'm willing to even spend on her if she wants me to. Though I am having some probs myself but I'm still willing to spend the money and help her. Desipte now I have to scrimp and save. Ultimately, it's my heart that is ruling over me and I have no control over it. Perhaps this is wat my heart thinks and want. Just wish things can be the way I always perceive it to be. At least this will make my life better. Sometimes I just feel very miserable and it really hurts to think abt her. Will this ever change? I guess I'm not too sure myself.

2009-06-14T03:19:00.003+08:00

Somethings are hard to explain and somethings are hard for ppl to understand unless they have gone through things I had. My world is no longer a world others will be able to see or understand. It will forever be like this till a day when someone is able to enter my world and look at it at my point of view. Simple life is a dream I'm working hard to achieve and I will continue to work hard for it. Somethings that are lost, it will never come back even if I try hard. For example, I've lost my phone yesterday. No matter how hard I try to find it, it will be lost forever. This is life. It will never be fair and it is always ever changing. IPPT trial test is a success. I'm sure for the actual IPPT test, I will definitely pass. Monday I'll be having presentation. Hopefully it will be a breeze.

2009-06-09T23:04:00.000+08:00

Sadly today IPPT canceled. Now got to redo 18 session b4 I can take my IPPT test. All my hopes is gone. Well guess I can start training now and hopefully clear it fast. Going to be having a hard time soon if I still cannot get my salary. Shall rest for now. Tired.

2009-06-07T19:31:00.004+08:00

Life now is getting better as days past. The mess I created, I'm slowly undoing it. As for her, it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe I have given up. At least this is better for both of us. I rather she hate me and ignore me. Sometimes drastic actions is needed to forget and move on in life. It helps for me and I guess this is why I can move on and let go. Though the method is extreme but it's still help me let go. Hopefully Tues IPPT I can pass den I can go for my actual test. Haha shall bring goods news on Tues.

2009-05-31T23:09:00.000+08:00

Another day has past. Thought morning was a surprise but it turn out not to be. Well let's hope tml is a better surprise. Time to rest now. Very tired. Life is never the same anymore.

2009-05-30T22:10:00.002+08:00

Breathing difficulty. Yes I'm experiencing this and I still go down and play ball. Am I looking for a way to shorten my life? Hmm maybe yes maybe not. I didnt wanted to go down today either but I went down for another reason. Well halfway during the game I do feel hard on breathing but I dun think it matters at all. The most I collapse and die? Hmm not a bad idea. Well dieing is also a matter of time. Sooner or later I will have to leave this world. Let this come naturally is the best way. haha but life really is different now. Not as carefree as I used to be and neither do I find things interesting. Everything has lost it meaning and seems boring to me already. Life is as stale as it gets. Still a smile is all I can put up infront of others. Other emotions will just have to be put aside and let it be left there unattended. Life is nothing more den just living it day by day. I shall try to find my happiness in living as days pass.

2009-05-29T08:26:00.001+08:00

What have started have to end somehow. Things have finally come to a full stop. Cant say much though. At the very least there is no regret.

2009-05-28T11:57:00.002+08:00

Decision making. Never a simple task but yet never an easy one either. Life is so funny. When u least expected it things will always happen to be nice. Once u have it, things doesnt go the way u want it to be. Friendship and love, it's just a difference of a thin line. Sometimes it's difficult to differentiate it but sometimes it's too clear to be seen. I've been trying hard but sometimes trying too hard also no use. Wat is meant to be yurs will definitely be yurs but if u force on something that is not mutual, things will never go well. Friends and love is the one thing we all cannot do without. Yet it is also the hardest things to handle well if one cannot be decisive. Things change and ppl change. I've change but it doesnt mean I am different from the past. Life is just too messed up now and I'm really just trying to make things rite. Be it love or friendship or sport, I'm doing my best in trying to juggle them well. It's not like I am a superman. I too have my limits. I'm already there le but yet I'm still struggling to hold on and hope for the best in life. Even if I have attitude, it's not like I wanna show it either too. If ppl can show their attitude and I have to bear with it, den why cant I show mine? Why ppl cannot accept my attitude. Life is so unfair but I already know that. Life now is as plain as it gets and I just hope life will get better as time pass.

2009-05-25T02:11:00.002+08:00

Choices, it's not something that is easy to make. Afterall these times, maybe I too should make my choice and come to a decision. It's never easy to make a decision like this but I think somehow or rather I still need to come to a conclusion. Painful choices or not I guess it will ultimately be up to me to decide. One thing is for sure, things are no longer the way they used to be and I will have to live with it.

2009-05-23T23:35:00.002+08:00

NDP today. Nth much left. Ran to 3 different court to find the others den played so game. So tired. haha now at Joseph house think going to play PSP. Finally in another abt 30 min time will be 1 mth le. Hopefully there is more to come. Haha time to PSP le. Guess this is where I stop ba.

2009-05-20T22:41:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was another boring day. Time is wasted by the commander today. End up finish work late again. haha after work, headed to CCK straight to pass Raymond his hard disk. Unfortunately, my best friend fell sick. Poor him. Haha lately been playing PATAPON 2. Haha so fun. Managed to unlock most of the char. haha cool sia. I'm starting to get addicted to it le. haha and link play is really damn fun. Played with Joseph for 2 hrs plus just now and it was great. haha tml will be another day of surprises. Hopefully no bad surprises will happen to me. Haha wat's left now is TOTO. Dunno if will win any money or not. haha played ball today. Performance was slightly better den before. Hopefully I can reach to a greater height.

2009-05-16T08:40:00.003+08:00

Finally, yesterday was my graduation day. I finally leave NGEE ANN le. haha really was a hell place for me. I'm glad I survived there. Alot of things happen yesterday. Waited for 1 over hr just to have my name called for me to go up stage and collect my diploma. Den had some pictures taken with my classmates. After which, lunch at Jurong Point. Ate buffet and it's really filling. Haha ate till 4 plus. No need dinner already. Reach home about 7 den when over to girl hse and cab her to vista point for her dinner. As usual, basketball next. Play a few matches. Won most of them and met up with Joseph for awhile. Talked abit while walking to vista point. Called girl while on my way home den poof. lol I slpt early cause I have NDP rehersal later. Now eating my breakfast. Will be leaving home soon though. Bored. haha

2009-05-11T21:23:00.002+08:00

Hmm wat a day. Today never meet girl at all. In the end she cant make it for dinner. Well guess next time ba. So far I'm still not tired. Though I did slp but it's only 45 min. I'm still not hungry. Is this insomia? haha really at a lost now. haha one thing I am sure, I dun have any strength left. Now walk also feel that my legs are quite jelly. Maybe becoming a jellyfish le. Haha. Shall blog again later if I cannot get to slp. Just now watch Michelle and Shawn wedding. So sweet couple. How I wish my life can also be as happy and sweet as them. Haha well dream can become reality. Who knows wat will happen next. haha life is full of surprises. Everyday is a new begining. haha shall just live day by day and be happy. This will help me reduce my stress ba. haha hope so ba.

2009-05-11T16:50:00.002+08:00

Wee. Haha in another 2 hrs time, it will be exactly 24 hrs of no slp le. Funny sia. Dunno y even though I never slp for 20+ hrs, I dun feel tired at all. I can even still play ball. Today or should I say ytd, woke up at 7pm. den when out to play ball. Hahaha den afterwards I went home without eating dinner except biscuit. Den surf web and stone till 5am and I went out to Yew Tee. Haha went to join my old friend for breakfast. Den accompany him to CCK polyclinic. He got depression and couldnt sleep for 2 days le. Poor guy. After that I went to CCK LOT 1 to meet Raymond. Haha went to his hse afterwards and played PSP. That Raymond is a pig lo. Keep slping den ignore me. So i played his computer games till 3pm before making my move to go home. Was suppose to meet girl for lunch but in the end she say her sis order le mac so in the end never meet for lunch. After leaving Raymond hse, I went straight to fragrant. Haha play a little ball and I'm still not tired at all. Weird? Quite, haha I expect myself to feel slpy but I didnt. Came home not too long since the rain started pouring down and here I am blogging now. Haha. Wonder if I still can slp tonight. Who knows maybe I still cant slp and I might even break my own record. No slp for 48 hours? haha see how ba. Well will be meeting girl for dinner later. So till den, I doubt I will feel hungry either. haha I think I am becoming Xian. haha.

2009-05-11T02:00:00.002+08:00

Suddenly I feel so useless in basketball. I've been missing alot of shots for quite sometime. All my 2 pointer shots have been very bad lately. Not as good as I used to play le. Guess it's time to go back start training with all my skills. Today match was very bad. Feel tat I cannot do much to help the team at all. Though I may still can shoot 3 pointer but it's not good enough. Lay up also get rejected. Wat else can I still do? I trained shooting for a long time and this is my only means of helping the team. Hopefully I can get my skills back. I must admit I havent been training ever since I got enlisted. Now there is time for me to train. I guess I can train with all my might. Hopefully I can acheive my target.

2009-05-09T00:15:00.002+08:00

Is basketball really so important? Y do I like to play basketball so much? I know my shooting is not as good as other players. I know I am the weakest player in Zi Hai. Is it necessary to be better den me? To be honest, I may be a shooter in the team, but my shots are not always 100%. Alot of times, I based on the feeling I have in court. My shooting is never 100%. Mood play alot on my shooting. When I am unhappy as in being a little angry or jealous, I will tend to shoot better. When I am emo, I tend to miss most of my shots. I guess I was kinda moody ba. I mean when I saw her just now, I was really very happy. But she keep ignoring me. At first was emo, but den emo also doesn't solve anything. Being ignored le, wat else can I do? Might as well focus on the shots I am practising. To be frank, I only practiced shooting 3 points today. Though most of it I managed to score, it's still not very good ba. But is it so important to win me? I trained hard for months before getting to where I am now. I started with missing all the shots and slowly I managed to shoot better. Training maybe important. But never over trained. Everyone has their own physical limits. Over training will only make matter worst. I also dun wan to see her get injured further. Tml I will still do my best. I will still respect my opponent and give my best tml.

2009-05-06T21:55:00.002+08:00

Another long day today. Time seem to pass so slowly today. I'm not sure y but maybe it's due to my mood ba. Today isn't a perfect day. Did something wrong last nite and now I'm being punish ba. I dunno y am I always like this. Making her upset or angry. I know alot of times I am the one who started starting all the trouble and in the end, I made her mad. Wat's wrong with me? Y do I have to do this. Sometimes I'm really is an idiot. Or maybe I am always an idiot. Maybe ba, if not how can I make her so angry so easily. Useless me. I should stop making her angry le. From now on I will try my best to make her smile more. Seeing her smile, my mood will become better. How else can I say. She is everything to me. She is important to me. Far more important den myself. That's how much she means to me. That's where she stand in my heart. Some may not think much of this but to me, it's really important. Regret is something I never want to experience anymore so live life with no regrets. Cherish and treasure those around u before u lose them.

2009-05-05T00:04:00.002+08:00

Today, good things happened and there is also bad thing that happen. Starting with the bad one first, today my camp has officially been upgraded to orange level. Swine flu or also known as H1N1 is currently becoming more terrible than imagine. Who knows maybe it could even be worst den SARS. Those were the time where we get to skip school easily. But those times were also one of the worst time. Everyone fear for their own health. Although for some, they dun really care. But a life is a life and it's something that can only be given to you once. Once u lost it, it will be gone forever.

Today is also kinda nice to me. My girl was really sweet to me. News abt next monday being an off day and having my leave approved by the section head is really good news. Yes, next friday is offically my Graduation Ceremony. Offically getting my Diploma Certificate le and it will be the last time I will be going back to Ngee Ann Polytechnic. I must say I finally waited for this day to come and it has arrived. haha now I just hope for things to get even better and life will be much more complete and happier. Love make things work out well and this is something I personally find it worth the effort. Tml will be another long day. Hopefully my injury will have been recovered by then. Guess it's time for me to slp le. Things will work out fine. I believe in it.

2009-04-28T19:21:00.002+08:00

Today I went to see a doctor. Had very bad gastric pain and headache. haha but I got my MC today. Well got another day rest today so feeling much better le. Today I worry for my girl. I'm happy with my life now and I trust her alot. For someone to come tell me it's a lie, I wont believe it. Somethings only I will know better. Feelings cannot be fake neither can it be a lie. Thats's how life is. We dont go ahead and do things that will hurt ourselves. It's not logical to do so and there is no need to make ourselves suffer. Given this reason, I have full trust that her love is never a lie and this is why I never give up. To love someone is never easy and to trust them is harder. I have come to a point where I trust her and I will continue to trust her.

2009-04-26T21:30:00.002+08:00

Today is the 3rd day le. Things are so much happier now. Baby's exam is round the corner le. Her schedule seems very tight. Hopefully everything is fine for her. Hope she wont feel too stress and the paper will not be too tough for her. All the best baby. Do your best and I believe u will achieve yur target. Jia you.

2009-04-25T01:04:00.003+08:00

240409. A start of a brand new life. I've learn somethings recently thanks to all the events that happened lately. I've learned to give more trust and to stand in her shoes to think. I admit I was too rash but all these will change. Now it's a brand new start and a brand new life. I will do my best to give the best to her and try not to make her cry anymore. Life will once again be colourful and we will be happy to have each other. Thanks to girl, it's now a dream came true. And this dream will go on for as long as we want it. As long as we have each other in our heart, this dream will not be shattered. Falling sick soon but I believe this time I will recover faster than usual. I'm really very happy and I believe she is too. Lastly, I love her. ^_^

2009-04-19T15:21:00.003+08:00

Today, I received 2 sms from her. After that my phone never rang anymore. Till now I am still holding my phone next to me. Hoping it will ring with her sms or call. I admit I was jealous last nite. I didnt go home last nite. I drank a little last nite. I wanted to be alone last nite and drink.
I dun wanna feel this hurt. Drinking doesnt solve the problem but at least it can make me numb. But then again, I know she dont like me to drink so I only drank a little. Furthermore, I was really tired last nite. I fell asleep not too long after drinking. I drank on an empty stomach and i got tipsy afterwards. In my sleep, I even dreamt of her last nite. I cried in my dreams. To be frank, last nite I really felt like crying and i didnt want her to see me cry. Thus I walked infront of her all the time. It's the first time I felt so hurt but then I dun hate her at all. I just feel that yesterday was not a good day. Firstly, i got F by my sir. Next, training I couldnt concentrate at all. Thirdly, I was really tired but still I rushed down to meet her. After meeting her, I see Alex being close to her. I tried not to be bother about it. I really did but at time past, I just couldnt take it anymore. Perhaps I really lost the confidence in myself. I really cant see if I am still possible to give her what she want. I took this time to cool down and I realise, even though I know her for a short time, I love her for who she is. I never once complaint that I am bothered by her past. All these while, she keep telling me she is not a good person, but I am not really bothered. I really am not bothered by it. I kept telling her this but she dun seems to believe me. Somehow we are now on cold war. I dunno when this will end but still I cant stop myself from thinking about her. If i dont really love her, I wouldnt think about her. If I didnt love her, I wont feel so hurt looking at her being close to another guy. If i didnt love her, I would not have made myself sad. All these are just some things which indicate that I love her. But I know she still cant accept another person. I'm just waiting for her O level to finish. I'm just waiting to know if she really cares about me. I often ask myself is she knows how I am feeling. But it seems like a question I will never know until she tell or show me. I know sometimes I am irritating. I know I am insensitive. But am I the only one? I can endure all this pain but when she ignore me, I feel like my life is meaningless. Maybe it might be ridiculous to some but it's complicated when it comes to heart matter. There is no right or wrong with loving someone. It's just depends on how a person heart feel. My heart tells me she is the one I love and my heart wants to be with her. Last nite Joseph mentioned that I've not been happy lately. I was happier in the past. How true was it, I think only my friends around me will know. There are somethings which I know I cannot control at all. But I really wish I could make a difference. Some say I love the wrong person but then again, how much do they know her and how much do they know about how I feel towards her? That's love I guess. Love is blind and it doesnt matter if the person is good or not. Love will cover all the flaws of the person and only making the one who love to see the good side of her. Sometimes it's not that I want to be childish. I too wan to give her a sense of security.
Maybe I did it the wrong way. Can I still make things better? Can I show her the mature side of me? Can she give me a chance to prove it? Can I make her love me? All these question will have an answer when the time is right ba. Maybe one day my dream of being able to be with her will also be met. If I am really being able to be with her, I will definitely not let her down. I will love her and only her. It's a serious relationship I am looking for. I dont want to give up such opportunity if it comes knocking. Just hope everything will get better. Just hope she will be able to understand how I feel too.

2009-04-18T23:47:00.002+08:00

I know i've hurt her today. I know i am in the wrong. I dunno why i did this too.
All i know was tat i felt very hurt. it's like i rush down after training today. I'm really tired from the training. i tried to surprise her. in the end, i felt outcast. i felt that i was invisible. maybe i have done things that made her afraid of me. maybe i have made her start to hate me now but sometimes i dunno why but i too feel insecure too. I'm a guy and i do have feelings too. After wat happened 3 yrs ago. I lost all my confidence. that's y i am so afraid to lose her.
Some times i even wonder if i am worthy of her. She is a good girl despite her past. I really dun mind her past. Who doesn't have a past? Everyone does and past is there for a reason. it's not like everyone cannot accept the other party past. no one is perfect. thus having a past is the best prove. a prove to show tat no one is perfect. i'm not perfect at all. i have many flaws. now, i'm supecting tat i might be suffering from depression. All i know is i feel so hurt just now. Maybe to her, she dun see tat while she is playing with him, i'm always looking alway cause it hurts. I was hurt but i'm not allow to show it. Cause when i do, i made her angry. Yes, to alex, i'm doing things that make her afraid of me. Maybe it's true. But i also did my best too. Loving someone is never easy but it doesnt mean i will not be able to give her my love. I'm just afraid i might not be able to give her the love she is looking for. today i notice that i still avoid ppl that likes her. I just keep thinking i can never compare with those guys. they are good looking while i am nothing. i dunno how to let her know this. i really dunno. i feel inferior when there is another guy with her. cause of this inferior feeling, i often avoid them. It's my fault to hurt her. Sorry silly girl. i really hope u will understand why i feel so hurt today too. Everyone have different view on things. The things i saw, just remind me too much of things that happened 3yrs ago. i really cant help it but feel sad. that's y i kept quiet just now. I admit i cannot afford to lose her. but if there is no choice, i will still abide her decision.

2009-04-17T23:53:00.002+08:00

Finally i'm counting down to midnite. It's her birthday. Wee! Know her for a month plus le and i'm glad i got to know her. Alot of things happen and i can say, it's not a bad thing either. From friends, i end up liking her and now i love her. Though I dunno if i can be her bf, i'm still happy like this. Dunno if thing will proceed to what i have hope for so i guess all i can do now is to let it flow. Love is always full of surprise. I do hope this surprise will be to my favour. For now, it's best tat she will be able to achieve wat she wants. Afterall the most important thing is for her to be happy. The rest, i'll just continue to make her happy.

2009-04-17T01:47:00.001+08:00

Hmm guess in the end... i must admit i have been emo lately... but things are fine now...
everything is back to normal... and i have a goal in life... tat is to make her happy everyday...
simple as it may seems... tough to perform... but i believe i can do it... i will make her smile...
and give her the support she will ever need... this is my goal... and i will achieve it...
for the sake of seeing her smile... i will do it irregardless of wat happened to me...
life is short and i dun wan to regret not living my life to the fullest...

2009-04-16T01:06:00.003+08:00

Hmm... i guess we all have something to be honest about...
it's true today is the first day i didnt really contact her...
come to think of it... i felt very terrible... i miss her badly but yet...
there is nothing i can do... in my mind... i keep thinking...
am i going to lose her... and i'm going berserk...
i know i am in love with her... but yet i have to keep a distance from her...
reason... for not making her feel stress with my love...
sometimes i just dunno wat to do... how to make her open up...
i know somethings are hard to forget or let go... but i never ask her to let everything go...
it's okay to love yur ex... it's really alright... i too, love my ex... but i know... things changed...
and no matter how hard i try... it will still be like this... tat's y i dun wanna see her do the same...
it's tough to let go... but it doesn't mean we cannot let go... let's just say he/she have found their happiness... and it's time to find ours... i know i can never replace him... but i'm also different from him... tat is a fact tat can never change... now i'm just trying to help her with her studies...
as for the heart matters... i let her decide on herself... it's time she learn to choose to decide...
and find her happiness to whoever she feels that it is the one... for me... i'll never leave her...
i'll stay by her side... through tough time and through the sadness... for this is my promise to her...

2009-04-14T22:09:00.003+08:00

Hmm... finally i cried... even though it may be something i assume it to be...
i just feel tat the distance between us seems so far... so big...
no doubt she keep saying she is not the one i am looking for... but i dun seems to see it tat way...
she wants to protect herself... but so am i... yes... we've been hurt once or maybe more...
but being hurt doesn't mean it's the end... i lost my confidence ever since 4 yrs ago...
from den on... i never have hopes for another relationship... and she is the first...
the first to make me feel that there is still hope... yes... i may pin a lot on hope...
but is it wrong to do so??? i saw this saying today at the gym and it got me thinking...
"To succeed... You need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you. Something to inspire you." I would say... i found that something to make me hold on to...
something that will motivate me... and something that will inspire me...
though i claim i have found tat something... i'm trying very hard to keep it going...
somehow i have this feeling i might lose her soon... but yet i dun wan to believe it...
i dun wan things to end this way... this soon... i'm really sad but yet i cannot show it...
i may not be strong... but i may not be weak either... i endured so much...
just so i can be where i am now but ending like tat... i really cant seems to think of a way...
a way tat can help all of us think over it carefully... it's not easy...
nothing is easy in the first place... all relationship is bound to have up and down...
and to cope with it is never easy... it's been 4 yrs... and i finally can stand up and face my fear...
if i am to fall down like tat... i dun think i will ever be able to stand up...
if it's time she need... i can wait... if she never like me at all... at least let me know too...
at least i noe i can let go when she want me to... at the very least she can be true to herself...
i am truthful to myself and that is why i am willing to do things for her...
even if it means losing everything would make her happier... i would do it for her den...
hurting myself or getting hurt over relationship... i think i should be able to handle it le...
afterall i'm no longer getting any younger... if she wants to wait for a miracle to be with her ex...
i too can wait for tat miracle to happen... wat's most important is she is happy and never regret...
i guess this is why till now... i never really step out of my own world... i'm just like a turtle...
a shell is there to protect me when times of trouble and hurt... i can hide myself in times like this.
but i cant help but to miss her... i think abt her all the time... i'll think if she is doing alright...
i'll think if she can cope with her studies... and even if she have a proper meal...
simple things like tat i will also think over and trust that she can take care of herself...
yes... i trust her alot... even if she lies to me... i still believe the lies... cause i trust her...
tat's y i am not bothered by her lies... cause i care... so i let her decide wat she wanna do...
i pamper her like how i would pamper my gf... constantly giving her the best i could...
even if she dun see it... i think she felt it... she once said... if we are together... i scared one day you will tell me "let's break"... i dunno why she think like tat but i dun think that day will really come... cause i noe i am not one tat say "let's break" tat easily... i am one tat will keep trying harder to make things work better... i'm me... and tat's something i cannot deny... i'm working hard to make things work... for her and for me... i'm constantly pushing myself to the limit so i can provide a better life for her too... i'm at a point where physically it's at the limit... just strained my arm earlier on... and i'm still pushing myself... though i am tired... but the thought of giving up never once did occur to me... it's cause i really love her alot... more den just something she can imagine... tat's y i never thought of giving up... tat's y i keep trying... but i think now... i have to step back a little and just maintain as friends??? hmm maybe tat's wat i can do now... i'm not sure either... but one thing for sure... loving her is something i never imagine i could do... something i will treasure it alot even if it does not bear any fruit... cause loving someone have no reason... and not being able to forget someone is not her fault too... cause we all have someone we cannot forget... for now... i'll just have to observe again... and see if there is anything i can do... but i still prefer tat one day... she will just tell me wat she is thinking so that i can dun need to guess anymore... if making things clear can help solve all problems... den making it clear will be the best way for all of us... that is something i think it might help...

2009-04-13T21:34:00.002+08:00

Will the day come??? Hmm this is a question i often wonder...
ever since 4 yrs ago... i tot i wont be able to love another person as much as i love myself...
i may like a person but this is different... i'm willing to do anything...
anything at all just as long as she asked me to... i will do it...
yes... this is just part of how much i love her... we are friends now...
couple or not... i am leaving it up to fate... cause i know something must let it happen naturally...
if not... there will not be happiness... guess i may not be a great guy...
but i will still try my best to be the best for her... to be the one she can depend on...
that's life... nothing is certain... but one thing i noe for sure...
those who hurt others will be hurt again... i've been hurt once...
so does she... we've all been hurt... tat's y we never dare step into another relationship...
at least that is for me... hurt is often there to remind me... but i need to step out of it....
if i never step out... i'll never find the happiness i am looking for...
this is something i will work on it... and i hope one day she too will find the courage to love again...

2009-04-11T00:26:00.002+08:00

Had a great time yesterday... been so long since i last had movie with a girl...
yea... we went for a movie... though it was a sudden decision...
hmm yesterday i managed to get her go town with me... haha...
well... got her a crumpler bag for her birthday... haha it's red... wee...
after that... we windowed shopping around wheelock...
haha and next was movie... we watched "Too fast too furious 4"...
it's a nice movie... after tat... we went to far east...
haha we had ice shave there... and it's really very nice...
and finally we had subway for dinner... haha something she wanted to eat for the week...
but with great times... the time flies... and soon it was time to go back...
though it was fun... something weird happened just below her block... haha...
but yet... it was really something i will remember... and i noe i will have more chances to come...

2009-04-07T19:53:00.004+08:00

To u and only u silly girl...
I dunno if I should say this but i think i shall say it...
it's been a mth since we know each other...
throughout this 1 mth... i really enjoyed myself when i am with u...
u let me realized how good it is to be alive...
no doubt i've done things to make u angry... make u sad...
u brought me back the feelings i've lost... the joy... the pain and the sadness...
it's you tat make me realize i can love someone again...
and it's u tat make me realized that loving someone is not abt owning her...
i know u are not those tat will be touched by words i write... still...
i feel that this is something i cannot hide...
i find myself loving u more each day... and maybe u never noticed it but...
my mood is directly affected by yurs... when u are sad... i too will be sad...
i try to make u smile and if i cant... i will think of ways to do so...
it's true i like u... and that u also know... that's y i never said i love u at all...
not because i dun love u... but it's cause i am afraid i'll lose u...
i am a very stupid person when it come to love... i'll never want to take risk at all...
loving u is something i cherish alot... and to be able to be with u like this now...
i'm really holding it tight... i try not to do things tat will cross the line u define as friends...
by doing so... i know i can still have many more days to come to be with u...
it's true u wan to focus on yur studies now... and here i am... respecting yur decision...
supporting them as time goes by... this is my love to u... a love tat comprise of respect...
tolerance and giving in... a love tat only wishes to see u happy...
sometimes i also do wonder if i do mean anything to u...
but it's still not important as seeing u smile... i'll hold on to our relationship dearly...
this is something i will promise u... but if u do have something to tell me...
dun be afraid to let me know... i can be the friend that will be there to listen to u...
i can also be a guy who will be there to help u through yur tough time...
cause i'll never let u go... it's a promise i made and i will keep to it...
silly girl... the only worry i have is when u leave me... if tat day come...
i really dunno wat i will do... but i will not hate u tat is for sure...
i hate to hate ppl... that's y i dun hate ppl at all... if the day is to come...
i'll respect yur decision... and i hope we will still be friends...

2009-04-06T23:42:00.003+08:00

today... i had the worst time of my life and the best time of my life...
worst time of my life was that i realized tat if one day... i am to lose her...
i'll be like today... not having any mood to do things... and will keep thinking of her...
yes... it happened today... the feeling sux... but yet there is nth i can do...
i fell asleep last nite while chatting with her... and kinda got ignored...
but i cant blame her... i was in the wrong and i was selfish...
selfish cause i keep telling her to let me know when she is tired... but yet...
i didnt tell her when i was tired... and this was very unfair to her...
i learned my lesson today and i will always be honest with her...

den the happy moment... i tot she will ignore me the whole day...
yet in the end... we met up and things got better... within the last the short 2 hr...
i was with her... and helped her with her maths... did some qns and explained to her...
hopefully she can understand my workings... den i went home afterwards...
cause i forgot my key... i can only go home later den expected... i was still happy though...
she no longer ignore me and we talked on the phone... though she still have gastric pain...
but i hope she will get well soon... seeing her like this really pain me...
though i am not her bf... i still worry... and i still care... cause i really like her alot...
till now... the 3 words have never left my mouth... y??? cause i fear...
if one day i tell her the 3 words... she will not like it... it's not like i dun wanna tell her tat...
but i dun think i have the permission to do so... neither do i have the rights to tell her this...
she still have a choice and i dun really wanna make matter worst... but deep down...
i really do wanna tell her tat... i guess i can only wait for the rite time and the rite place ba...

2009-04-05T20:39:00.003+08:00

Another day pass...
time flies.... and i realise....
haha my math have not deprove...
haha i can still do the qns...
and i can do it with much ease...
except for percentage topic...
i think i can handle most of the rest...
haha... hope more of today will come...
and time will slow down...

Btw... this is something she did to me...
while i am helping with her math qns...
silly but it's kinda nice...
glad i manage to get her to send me...
otherwise i cant post it here le...
thnx silly girl... hahaha...

2009-04-02T23:37:00.003+08:00

Today... i realise how much more i have love her...
Managed to spend some time with her and i am already very contended le...
though it may be a short 2 hrs... but at least i get to see her...
we laughed and had fun today... looking at her study... sometimes making her laugh...
i guess it's all worthwhile... this also made me realise... we ought to cherish every moment...
Fact is... i may not have another moment like this to cherish... so before it's gone...
i must always cherish the time i have with her... fact is... i too may not be her bf...
should the time come... at least i have something to think back... and not regret...
cause i have already cherish the moment we spent together... before losing it...
there is this saying... u only know how important someone is to u when u lose her...
for me... even if we are not a couple... i'm happy like this le... we are still friends...
and there are things i know i can never over step...
but i still hope at the end it's me that she choose...
cause the choice is not meant to be mine to decide... it's hers...
till the day come... i'll keep doing my part and give her the best i could...
cause i really do love her...

2009-04-01T01:23:00.002+08:00

Hmm... so many things happen just not too long ago...
i'm not sure if things went well or just made matter worst...
but i'm sure tat i have nth to hide anymore...
i've explained myself clearly and i've made my intention known...
be it for the better or worst...
i'll just monitor the situation for now...
hope no friendship is broken... and no one is hurt...
we all dun wish to lose one another but... if the time come...
i hope things will be back to friends...
sometimes even if u cannot be a couple... it's still good to be friends...
u will never know wat will happen next...
as long as u have faith in yurself... i believe one day u will reap wat u sow...
no one know how long the wait will be... but at least u tried...
so it's also alright to be patience... and wait for the day to come...
afterall nth is certain in this world...
tonite i felt her pressure... i understand how he feel...
and i hope this will not happen anymore...
let's all just fight it over fairly... though i must admit... it wasn't fair for me at the start...
but i did endure through... and i'm holding this relationship strongly as a friend...
and as a person wooing her... there is no rite or wrong...
but there is still a question of how much to give...
too much will make matter worst while too little will not help...
so always aim for just nice... and things should work out find...
i did have the urge to hug her... to give her security... but in the end...
i didn't cause i didn't wanna cross the line... and spoil the current bonding...
just hope tat one day everyone will understand and learn from one another...

2009-03-29T10:41:00.002+08:00

Hope... i'm starting to be afraid...
hope is something which i dun dare to think abt...
it's true tat the higher the hope is... the more the disappointment...
but for me... i dun even dare to think of hope...
i'm just living my life on a daily basis...
y??? cause i am afraid that the disappointment will hurt a lot...
cause i dun wan to lose her... cause i wan to be with her...
but yet... all these i also dun dare to think abt it...
i'm confused and lost... but one thing for sure...
I love her more as day goes by...
i do admit though i am jealous...
but yet i know all these will not do me any good...
but i guess i'll just have to accept the decision she make...

2009-03-26T23:22:00.002+08:00

Hmm... careless me... today i dropped a cup... it broke into pieces... and well...
i stepped onto the fragment... and well my feet is bleeding... hmm... real careless of me...
but i was thinking of something... well not really something but i was thinking of her...
and i got distracted and accidentally drop the cup... though the wound is not deep...
blood still flow down as i take every step... it doesn't really hurt... maybe cause i am numb le...
though it happen so sudden... still i hope to recover soon... and i'll be able to run to her tml again...
hope the healing will not take too long... and the bleeding to stop soon... i dun wan to walk...
and bleed at the same time... and i dun wan to make her worry...
so i shall just keep this to me and this blog... till the time she find out... i should already recover...
and everything will be back to normal... and i still love her so much...

2009-03-25T19:35:00.002+08:00

Today mark the end of my 3rd day in AFS...
Time crawls whenever i am there... probably cause my heart is not there...
i admit... i misses her alot... be it during lesson or lunch...
i really do miss her... furthermore... i dun really get much chance to spend time with her...
as much as i wan to... i'm stuck so far away from her...
but still just a simple gesture from her will always make my day...
i'll always smile when i see her smile... in fact her smile is something that will cheer me up...
be it sad or tired... one look at her smile and i'll feel alot better...
i maybe silly but i know i've change alot... and i've grown...
love to me now is not longer abt having her by my side but just wanting her to be happy...
it doesnt really matter who she choose in the end... as long as she is happy...
i'll be happy too... that's my love to her... and it will be like this always...

2009-03-21T11:10:00.003+08:00

Counting down to monday...
time flies and here I am... thinking back abt the first time i met her...
though the time is short... she made me think abt her all the time...
it's funny though... everytime she call for me... i had to run to her no matter where i am...
and it's always me tat is sprinting and chasing after her...
she kept me going strong and motivated me to work harder...
soon i will not be able to keep her company... soon i will be away from her...
i dunno wat will happen during the time i am not around... but hopefully...
it's not something i will regret for life... now it's like i am the one lagging behind...
it's like i've become a cushion and is always there when she needed me or when she fall...
i still have my principle... and i am a man of my words... though i'm not sure if she noticed it...
it's like now... i cannot let go... cause of a promise... and i dun intend to let go too...
cause i do like her alot... all i can do now is wait... and let fate and destiny decide for me...
be myself and let her see a different side of me... and hopefully tat will make her like me more...
reality may be cruel but i think by the time she made a decision... i should be more prepared...
and accept her choice... i guess that's y i never expect any return when i love someone...
so i shall just live my life on a daily basis...